Why we could see clearly if Ruane was gone

Friday, April 25, 2008

By Eamonn McCann

In the space of no more than three minutes, the Education Minister used the phrases: "I was very clear", "Let's be clear", "Let me be clear", "I have been very clear", "I have been very clear" and "I have been very clear."

Baffling.

Thus it was that, later, taking my ease along the Bogside boulevards, the mysterious ministerial mantra whirling in my head, a mirage shimmied into view ...

"My position is very clear," continued Ms Ruane.

"Whether water is wet is a question I have clearly put before the people. My determination to see progress on the question is clear. There are some who prefer the question of the wetness of water to remain unclear.

"How would that serve our children? Bishop Hegarty agrees with me.

"We must not live in the past. I am very clear about that." I persisted: "Are you saying that water is wet or that it is not wet?" Came the riposte: "Please allow me to answer. Let us be very, very clear. If you do not wish me to answer, why ask? I will not be content to leave the question of whether water is wet without clarity. I have spelt that out very, very clearly. I hope that is clear."

"I'm sorry," I told her, "but I am still not certain whether you believe that water is wet."

"Please do me the courtesy of not talking when I am clearly trying to answer," came the rejoinder. "I have put the position clearly.

"There is no doubt in anyone's mind as to my clear position. Those who say they do not understand the position which I have repeatedly clearly stated clearly do not want to understand.

"Or they are clearly confused. I hope that explains the position on whether water is wet. Can we move on?"

"So you believe that water is either wet or is not wet. Does that sum it up?"

"My position is very clear. I would be extremely grateful if you did not interrupt me. What I have said is clearly understood by all.

"If you keep butting in, I will not be able to give clear reassurance. What is coming across clearly to me is that people want the clarity which I have provided. That is very clear."

"I ... "

"Please allow me to explain the position. Clarity is one of the matters I am very clear about when it comes to the question of whether water is wet. Please permit me to answer. I have the Catholic hierarchy on my side. I believe everyone in the North understands my position clearly."

"I ... "

"May I ask you to show me the minimum of courtesy by listening to my answer?

"My answer is clearly very clear. Very clearly clear. Am I making myself clear? We must move on. It is clear we must move on. I think that is clear"

"Alright, then. Tell me, Ms Ruane, is fire hot?"

"Please don't interrupt. Let me be clear ... " It was then that Skins McCarthy wafted around the Lisfannon Park corner and zapped me back into wakefulness with the pertinent query. "Do you know you've just walked into two lamp posts? Have you been on the wacky baccy?"

"Indeed, I have not," I shot back, in woozily outraged tones. " And, anyway, I can't let you have any. I have been thinking about Caitriona Ruane."

"Ah," came the murmur of immediate understanding. "Did you hear her on Desert Island Discs?" I had.

Between us, we managed to remember all the songs she said she'd want to hear forever.

'California Clear I Come.' 'We're Clear because We're Clear because We're Clear because We're Clear.' 'Little Bit of Clear Let Me Down.' 'The Clearness of You.' 'Clears of a Clown.' 'Au Clear de la Lune.' 'Clearer my God to Thee.' And, 'Clear, There and Everywhere'.

But we agreed that, despite all of this, and everything that's being said in what I'm told is called the 'blogosphere', Ms Ruane is by no means the least impressive member of the Executive.

Has anybody listened to — deft bit of balancing coming up — Edwin Poots recently?