Why Peter is going to invade the south again

Pol O'Muiri

Pól Ó'Muirí, Belfast Telegraph

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

In a surprise move over the weekend, the parties in the Assembly held an emergency debate and decided to declare war on the Republic. Announcing the move, the new DUP leader and First Minister in waiting, Peter Robinson said that warfare was forced on the Executive by the Republic's refusal to stop interfering in the affairs of Northern Ireland.

"They have offered us the hand of friendship, they are paying to improve our roads and they have now given us some first-class jobs in the financial sector. No sovereign nation would put up with such bullying and not react as we have," he said.

Announcing Operation Smash the Staters, he went on to say that he believed the majority of Ulster folk and the two nationalist parties would fully support the planned invasion of the South.

"The nightmare and abnormality of peace is finally at an end," Mr Robinson said, "but instead of Ulster man fighting with Ulster man, we will now pick on everyone south of Newry."

He went on to condemn the Republic for not having a proper air force: " Ulster makes some of the finest state-of-the-art anti-aircraft missiles on the planet but we cannot use them as the Republic have no jet fighter aircraft.

"What sort of banana republic does not have a couple of squadrons of MIGs?"

He urged Fianna Fail leader Brian Cowen to buy some jets so that they could be shot down. "It is what a real friend would do," he said.

Mr Jim Allister, of the TUV, said Mr Robinson was only pretending to be a true-blue unionist and demanded he show his bona fides by launching a nuclear strike against Knock, but Mr Robinson said he had already earmarked Clontibret for a nuclear attack.

Sinn Fein's Deputy First Minister, Martin McGuinness, said that war would have other economic benefits for the North. "I have already ordered a new uniform of the finest local linen and the hotel rooms are already filling up with international journalists and camera crews," he said.

"The simple fact is we are not good at dealing with conflict resolution but are brilliant at starting a fight.

"We should all work to our strengths. And let me just add that this will be a proper war and I don't want anyone questioning my participation."

Mr McGuinness then left the Assembly to get into his tank and invade Donegal to ensure that republican holiday homes were not held to ransom by the Dublin government.

SDLP Mark 'Red' Durkan said he, too, welcomed the opportunity to "put some manners on the Free Staters. For too long, we have had to put up with these running-dogs of capitalism.

"I, for one, look forward to liquidating the whore-mongers of Fianna Fail imperialism and establishing a socialist Ireland".

He denied suggestions that he was trying "to out Connolly Connolly" .

However, as Monday gets underway it has become clear that the military operation against the Republic is not going according to plan.

The Belfast Brigade of the Royal Republican Ulster Nationalist Soldiers (RUNS) was delayed by a traffic jam on Belfast's West Link and then had to drive around the mad bearded figure of the Dalai Adams who was hugging a tree and reciting haikus for peace in the Bog Meadows.

Worse was to follow when a crack squad of commandos le d by 'Dangerous' Dave Ford failed in their mission to take Connolly train station in Dublin. Mr Ford's troops were on a top secret mission on the Enterprise when their train broke down at Scarva. NIR has apologised for the delay to the service and any inconvenience it might cause the invasion.