A new laureate is to be appointed next year when current incumbent Andrew Motion finishes his stint of writing magisterial stanzas. There has been a push from some quarters to ensure that a female poet be appointed to position for the first time. Unfortunately, that campaign seems to be losing steam as some of the leading female poets for the position have expressed disinterest in taking on the royal role. One of the leading contenders, Wendy Cope, says: "Personally, I feel it is an archaic post and means nothing. It's simply not important."

Still, should the position not be offered to a poet from here, the island of Ireland, John Bull's other island? After all, writing poems in praise of native royalty was one of the main stays of the traditional Irish poet.

Regrettably, Elizabeth I, the Nine Years War and the Leaving of the Earls meant that that little treat — and source of income — has been denied Irish poets ever since. Irish poets are due 400 years back pay. Parity of (poetic) esteem would suggest that the Sasanach must make restitution. Indeed, given that there is talk of Queen Elizabeth making a trip to the Republic in the not too distant future, should a little quid pro poetic quo not be in order?

Irish poets can aspire to the Ireland Chair of Poetry — which is a nice treat — but Ireland's standing army of poets has swollen ever greater since the time of Patrick Kavanagh and one honorific position is hardly enough to satisfy the rhyming ranks. Another little bauble would be most welcome.

The post of Poet Laureate carries a small stipend of £5,000 a year plus 630 bottles of Spanish sherry. The money is lousy, but 630 bottles of sherry is not bad going. Think of the Dionysian moments that could inspire at any poetry workshop.

Seamus Heaney for Poet Laureate? Why not? His passport may be green and his glass never raised to toast the Queen but it would surely be another one of those historic moments of cultural exchange between these islands were the man from Derry to be appointed. I mean, if it wasn't for the English, we'd all be speaking Irish anyway. Seamus for Buckingham Palace!

Now, that's what I call poetic justice for destroying the language of the Gael.

More 'double trouble' as Gregory goes to Culture

So the worst possible news for me — Gregory Campbell has been appointed Culture Minister.

I have been mistaken in the past for Mr Campbell (it's a ginger thing) and do not relish what the future might bring now that he has been elevated to his ministerial position. Mr Campbell is a Rangers fan which could mean that I might end up getting abused by Celtic supporters — as recently happened, disgracefully, to Mr Campbell. Still, if I wear a Celtic top, then people might think that Mr Campbell has gone over to the dark side and he could get into more trouble than Iris Robinson at a gay pride parade. Then, there is a question of language. Mr Campbell does not have a great interest in Irish whereas some of my best friends (and worst enemies!) are Irish speakers. Still, I might sneak into Stormont one of these days and announce that there will be an Irish-language Act just to see what the reaction would be ...