Kristen Stewart's Bella Swan is, like, bummed out 'cos her "hot" young/old bloodsucker beau Edward (Robert Pattinson) has gone and left her – "This is the last time you'll ever see me," he solemnly promises. Yeah, right.
Every time Bella's in peril – which is quite often – Ed's vision pops up to impart some hopeless advice. In Ed's absence moping Bella hooks up with Jake (Taylor Lautner), who happens to be a werewolf and seems incapable of keeping his shirt on; not that any, you know, SEX happens here. No this adaptation of Stephanie Meyer's bestseller is like an episode of Dawson's Creek, only more chaste and with any hint of humour sucked out. A creepy opening sequence, but a dire sequel.