Meet Lara Trump: The new face of 'real news'
Donald's daughter-in-law has put his message across with a video on Facebook
Here we are again: Trump's administration is in disarray. Every time you think it's reached its nadir, or zenith, depending on how you look at it, you are proved mistaken.
Clearly, your imagination is too puny: you could not Make America Great Again. For there is always somewhere else to go.
Never fired someone who'd worked for you for less time than you once spent in Formentera? You have not dared to dream.
It is important, therefore, that you are up to date with the administration's progress. There's a lot of nonsense parroted about it by such fatuous news sources as the New York Times and the Washington Post.
Mercifully, the regime has the answer to this, too. This week, Lara Trump - one of the president's daughters-in-law - presented a "real news" video on the president's official Facebook page, collecting all the positive stories from the past week. The sacking of Scaramucci did not make the edit.
"I bet you haven't heard about all the accomplishments the president had this week, because there's so much fake news out there," she croons in this two-minute video.
She discusses employment rates (up), the stock market (up) and job creation. It sounds really impressive, until you realise it rings like the selective propaganda of a totalitarian regime.
So who is Lara Trump, the face of "real news"?
1. She is married to Eric Trump
Lara is the 34-year-old wife of Trump's son Eric. The pair married in 2014 after six years of dating: the ceremony was held at Trump's Mar-a-Lago estate, where the president married Melania in 2006. Donald Trump Jnr was best man and Ivanka was a bridesmaid.
Jared Kushner reportedly joked in the ceremony that Lara was "not just gaining a family, but getting six million Twitter followers". Lara wore Vera Wang and bandages on her wrists - she broke both of them, horse riding two weeks before. Lara is expecting their first child, a boy, in a few weeks: he will be the president's ninth grandchild.
2. She's had a meandering career
Lara studied communications at North Carolina State University, then a degree in pastry arts at the French Culinary Institute in NYC. She has been a personal trainer and was on the board of Eric's charity, the Eric Trump Foundation, which closed in 2016.
Lara has experience in journalism, so is primed for her new broadcasting role: she was working as a producer for news show Inside Edition before leaving to work on the Trump campaign.
She is now a consultant with Giles-Parscale, the digital strategist firm signed up to Trump's 2020 re-election campaign.
3. Social media
She has 262,000 followers on Instagram and 295,000 on Twitter, where her biog is 'North Carolina Girl in NYC #MAGA'.
On Instagram, she shares pictures of a coterie of dogs, as well as Trump rallies, shots of Air Force One and pictures taken on the golf course.
4. She has earned Kellyanne Conway's respect
Presumably her role is thanks in no part to the impression she made on Conway, current counsellor to the president, who was impressed by Lara's enthusiasm for hitting the phones during the fundraising stages, attending Women for Trump rallies and sitting on buses "for hours".
5. Her brother now works in DC too
In a huge coincidence, her brother Kyle Yunaska was given a position at the Department of Energy. He hasn't worked in energy before, but is learning on the job.
Incidentally, Lara's old employers, Inside Edition, once named Yunaska as one of D.C's hottest bachelors.
6. She likes animals
She has worked with animal rescue centres, telling Politico that she plans to "continue to use my voice to spread awareness and encourage people to adopt from shelters".
7. She really believes in her mission
"Thanks for joining us, everybody," she says, wrapping up her inaugural bulletin with an impassioned appeal to camera. "I'm Lara Trump and that is the real news."
Make America Great Again.