Rosie McIlvenny (57), a retired health administrator, lives in Belfast with her son. She says:

My son was just 11 when my husband left, he'd started at big school the month before. I think if we hadn't divorced or split up, my son, who's now 25, would have done better at school. At the beginning, he couldn't settle in the house at all and was very angry.

We'd been married 14 years when my husband met someone else. I simply hadn't realised, but with hindsight you do. It's not lipstick on the collar, but he was hard to get hold of some days. He'd say it was something to do with work, but clearly it wasn't.

Our romantic life was the same as usual and I would have said it was a good marriage. We were happy, we did things together, we were a partnership. But in the September, his brother was married in New York and when he came back, the three of us were going out for a meal.

My husband said he was going out with friends. I blew my top and said: "If you don't come, don't bother coming back tonight". He didn't, then stayed away a second night, saying he wanted time on his own. He was very friendly with this fellow and everything was going through my mind. I said: " Are you having an affair with a fellow?" He said: "Don't be stupid." Then I asked if he was seeing someone else, and he said, "Yes". You could have knocked me down with a brick. He started to cry and said he'd met a lady who had two daughters. I asked if he loved her. He said: "I think I do."

We'd met the classic way, at a dance in Ardglass, Co Down, in 1972, and were married in 1974. It was nine years before we had our son, who was very special. My husband had given up hope we'd have a child.

We went for different treatments, but it happened naturally in the end. To me, our son cemented the relationship and everything was perfect. I worked in health administration and he worked too.

We moved into a big house in central Belfast to care for his aunt and grandmother. The grandmother died in 1988 and when my ex-husband went, I was left looking after his old aunt plus working full-time. She went blind and I had to get a care package for her - I had to choose the home, he didn't get involved. And I was the one who visited her, he did nothing. Then, I let out the top two floors of the house. I was going through the change of life as well, and was on HRT, before having a couple of pulmonary embolisms and now I'm on oxygen. He has since remarried and the lady he's with is very fond of money. Because I had money coming in from the flats, I was left to pay the mortgage. I received £55 a month for my son, plus looking after the aunt. I was annoyed. He wanted a divorce in 1998, for the money, as our house was worth quite a bit by then.

After that, I took action by joining Gingerbread and met a few girls. We heard about the National Council for Divorced and Separated People which met at the Ormeau Road. I've been going since 1995. It's a social thing and I've made quite a few friends. We do something different every week - cards, bingo, quizzes. Some people have met there and got married. Then I learnt about a Beginning Experience course, which involved talking about your feelings. I went through all the emotions - at the start, my ex and I did a lot of shouting, then somebody told me that anger is like a cancer, so don't let it eat into you. BE helped me to address it and I wrote my letter of closure which I haven't finished. Now I feel very at ease with myself. The day I got my decree absolute was Elvis's 25th anniversary - I'm a great fan - and I just laughed. Maybe it's flattery, but our friends were shocked when it happened and people say she set her sights on him, he was a meal ticket."

Jacob* (43) is an IT manager and lives alone in Belfast, He says:

I came to Northern Ireland to marry a woman from Ballynahinch. We met at university in Canterbury, Kent, 20 years ago, and everybody thought we were perfect together. We thought we were in love, but were deceiving ourselves - we can't have been.

Everything went fine until the third year of marriage, when it collapsed. We stopped sleeping together, she began drinking heavily and became violent. It was very traumatic and in January 2005 I moved out.

Whether she was having an affair at the time is quite a sore point. As somebody else moved in four months later, I would suggest she was but I can't prove it.

I didn't suspect she was seeing somebody else - she was buying new clothes but she did that anyway. She was a bit of a spender and always dressed up to the hilt. I felt anger, loneliness and betrayal. It's difficult for men to express their emotions.

Her family was very close, so I couldn't show any anger because she'd always get her parents round - it was a three to one situation. I have no family here and had no one to turn to for help. I became a recluse for nearly a year until one of my neighbours suggested NCDS. I'd go to work, come back, not go out at weekends except to get food from Tesco. When I joined NCDS I went out once a week, and started counselling. I'd recommend that anyone in the same situation get a good solicitor and a good counsellor, not necessarily in that order.

I saw the counsellor for six months and it was a complete turnaround. I had my court case recently, but finances were sorted out a year ago. It was painful and bitter, her attitude was 'What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine'. She had the house before we were married and although I paid into the mortgage, I lost my share of the property. It's never a 50-50 split in my view - women always come off best.

There were no children involved which is a good thing, I'd be even worse off if there had been. And once you get solicitors involved, it's never amicable, you end up throwing mud at each other. The council meetings are a social/support group. If you're married, friends tend to go on the back burner and it's hard to meet new people. We do quizzes, cheese and wine evenings, and have discussions. You pay £2 to get into the club and we also have weekends away.

Our friends were completely shocked, and we thought we were in love. She started going out with male friends, one of whom was married and brought his friend along. And she made her will in 2003, just leaving me the car, which I'd bought anyway, and her wedding ring which I'd also bought. The engagement ring which cost me £5,000 went to her mother. I haven't met anyone else yet, but I'm looking."

The National Council for Divorced and Separated People meets on Wednesdays. Email belfast@cdsp.org.uk for more information

*Not his real name