'Racing paralysed me but I'll never give up'

After road racing claimed yet another life at the weekend, Chris Esler (25), from Ballymena, tells Peter Hutchison how motocross left him a quadriplegic, but he still loves the sport

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

The front end must have tucked in and I came off the bike. I landed like a torpedo. When my head hit the ground I felt this sharp pain go right through me. I lay there on my side, left arm twisted and my right arm pulled back, with my legs crossed over in front of them.

I tried to get up but couldn't. I tried again and still couldn't. I knew then that I was paralysed. It was terrifying and I tried to shout but couldn't. I tried to catch my breath but couldn't breathe. I then blanked out.

The next thing I remember is hearing, "Cut it, cut it, cut it!" Dad was shouting about my helmet because no one could get it off. I was going in and out of consciousness but remember my dad, uncle, aunt, and a few paramedics all within about 10 feet from me. Dad got the helmet off. My uncle ripped my shirt, and my aunt performed a few chest compressions.

I soon came round but by then the damage was done. I was taken to Altnagelvin hospital in Londonderry and suffered a cardiac arrest. It was now third time lucky as to whether I would stay awake. I don't remember much of the next couple of weeks but I had a brain scan and it was fine. The helmet had done the trick. The doctors hadn't told my parents that I was paralysed but dad knew because he lifted my arm and felt the dead weight. My parents reckoned that if my brain was ok then because of my character I would be able to cope.

By 11.30pm I was stable and transferred to the Intensive Care Unit at the Royal Victoria Hospital in Belfast. I had a metal plate fitted around my spine to take the pressure off my spinal cord. It's funny because I always thought I was lucky. I had been riding motorbikes since I was four and a half years old and before the accident I'd never broken a bone or done any serious damage. Then I did them all at once.

I accepted it and was determined to move forward with my life. Whatever the doctors said I couldn't do, I did. Every challenge put in front of me I overcame. For the first few months they tried to knock any ideas I had of doing things out of my head. "Tell me what I can do rather than what I can't", I told them.

After 12 weeks nurses put me in a chair. They were dumbstruck because often the person is apprehensive, scared and feeling sorry for themselves but I was fine. I sat in it for two hours. Normally it's just 10 minutes for people with my injuries. It's my life and I want to get on with it. I wanted to sit in that chair and I wanted to get out of hospital as soon as possible. Right from the start, I wanted to know all about the tricks and contraptions I could be given to get straight back to living my life.

I've just got an electric wheelchair, which is going to be amazing. I'll be able to control everything in my new purpose-built house such as the TV and the lights. A remote control pad will come out from the side of the headrest and I'll control the buttons with my chin.

Being able to do those wee things on my own that other people take for granted will be such a boost. It will also lift me up to 8ft so I'll be looking down on people for a change and it will be great for going to the pub and the races! It will give me so much freedom because at the moment I rely on someone pushing my wheelchair.

Hopefully I'll be moving from the Withers spinal unit at Musgrave Hospital to my new house in the next few months.

It's five minutes from my old home in Ballymena, near friends and family. It's huge and has a nurse's station built into it so I can receive 24-hour care. I'm physically able to go home now, but we need to get staff arranged. I can't wait to get off my ventilator. The doctors were adamant that I wouldn't be able to breathe on my own but I've proved them wrong. Sometimes I have my ventilator switched off for 10 minutes. My intention is to get off it completely.

It will be a long process but if it takes 10 years or longer I'll keep trying. The ventilator is the one thing that holds me back. It restricts me to having someone around all the time, because if the tube comes off or there is a blockage I could die. Without it I would be free to do my own thing. Initially, the ventilator stopped air getting to my vocal chords. I couldn't speak for four months after the accident. It annoyed me. Even though people could lip read me I wanted to talk properly. I was managing a whisper when a lot of people usually can't make a sound. A few settings on the ventilator were changed and I've been able to speak properly since September. Since I got my voice back I haven't shut up!

It was very hard to eat at first. I could only manage small portions because the liquid feed had shrunk my stomach. Food didn't taste the same. I loved chocolate but even that didn't taste right. I had to learn how to eat again because everything from my throat down had been shut down. My appetite is alright now — I'm probably eating too much. I can swallow fine and it's such a relief to be able to eat properly. That was another challenge I overcame.

There have been some bad moments, of course, but only about three bad days. One day I started to get phantom pains. It felt like barbed wire was wrapped round my legs, stomach and chest, and being pulled tighter. Every time someone touched my arm it felt like cut glass on my skin. It came on all of a sudden and was vicious.

There were a couple of days when I cried my eyes out in agony. I didn't understand why it was happening. I kept telling people this was sore and they would say there's nothing wrong. It felt like the worst pain on earth. I'd be roasting and begging for another blanket. It comes with the territory and is not unusual for someone with my injuries.

There have been days when I've had doubts. How was I going to do this and that? I've tried to look on the upside of all the down points. I can't thank everyone who has helped me enough. My family is amazing and has helped me through everything. A few friends have visited, but not all. It has scared them a bit. Hopefully when I'm home more will visit because it will be less daunting for them.

I went to a race recently. It was the most normal thing I've done in the past year. Everyone thought it would affect me badly but I loved it. My main aim is to get back to the track where I crashed. It's something I have to do. Not so much for myself but for everyone else to see that I'm not scared. Plus, a good thing from the accident is that neck braces are going to become compulsory throughout Europe from next season, so hopefully no one will have as bad an injury as me again.

I'll be back at all the races soon. It's in my blood and will never leave me. I'm approaching this challenge the same way I approached every race — out of the blocks quickly and pushing to go as fast as I can. This is my life and I will keep living it."