Widow: I don't regret year of sex with 27 men
Published 08/09/2009 | 07:58
'Sex was quite 'safe'. It was very rough, it was very animal, it was just what it was -- an hour with a guy, to feel in control of something again.
And just to feel something. None of the sex was good sex and I don't talk [in the book] about any of it being particularly enjoyable. It's really quite rough and abusive and leaves me with bruises and it really was a case of self-abuse.
"For a long time, I felt like I didn't deserve anything more than that because I'd had my one chance, I'd found the love of my life and I'd let him die. I was almost happier the rougher the sex was because I felt like it was only what I deserved.
"For about a year, I tried to be this 'normal' 23-year-old party girl. I went out, got really drunk every weekend, got chatted up by guys and took them home, because I just wanted to prove that I could do it.
"When this guy came and chatted me up [the first time Amy had sex after Eoghan], it was such a relief that he knew nothing about me and I'd fooled him into thinking that I was 'normal'. I don't even remember my thought process that said, 'I'll take him home,' I just wanted to feel in control.
"That was the first time I woke up and had bruises down me. I pressed the bruise and I could just about feel something -- which was so unusual because I really had been walking around numb for months.
"I kept pressing this bruise over and over again and to be able to feel that relief from the numbness was just an amazing thing for me. So, that was probably the start, really.
"When you live in London, it's not hard to go and meet a guy. I would just be going out with my friends and men would come up to you -- I don't know if I went out to meet men.
"If you're averagely pretty in London, five or six guys a night will come and chat you up. Some of the guys would ask me on a date but I still couldn't go there.
"I was still very much married to Eoghan in my head and, if any of them tried to push it further, I wouldn't even think about it.
"I wasn't looking to date anyone -- most of the men I met, I didn't even tell them my real name because I wanted them to have no emotional connection to me, because I really felt like that would be cheating on Eoghan. Sex was just physical.
"I think it was a mixed time in my life. It was what I needed to do -- I wouldn't change anything because it got me to where I am now.
"Now it's two years on and I'm living with a boyfriend and I really feel like myself again."
Wife, Interrupted is published by Headline Review