Belfast Telegraph

His porn fetish has hit my self-esteem

Northern Ireland's number one agony aunt Fiona Hurley answers your problems

Dear Fiona, I’m fairly easy-going and always said we should be able do most of the things we did when single and not lose our identities after getting married and having kids.



When we were dating, my husband watched a lot of pornography and he still does a few nights a week.

I’ve put on weight after the kids and am not as confident anymore so it really upsets me when I know he’s surfing the net, which is quite a bit.

He says I’m going back on my word and that I’m nagging so I don’t say too much as I know it’s my self-esteem that’s changed and not his ‘hobby’.

Do you think I’m wrong to resent what he’s doing?

Resentful Wife

Dear Resentful Wife,

Countless women feel insecure and inadequate when their partners use pornography and you’re definitely not ‘wrong’ to feel the way you do.

Your feelings are valid and take absolute priority over his penchant for porn.

He’s not a single, responsibility-free man and his actions are having a negative effect on you.

He needs to be more sensitive and consider how it’s adversely affecting your self-image and compounding your low self-esteem.

Are you afraid of confrontation or is your self-esteem so low you’re afraid of objecting?

I agree that we should hold onto aspects of our old life but it’s somewhat idealistic and naive to assume it’s entirely possible to stay the same, irrespective of life-changing experiences, and additional responsibilities.

Marriage means making sacrifices and you shouldn’t be feeling so much hurt and self-hatred because of his ‘hobby’.

Alongside the real danger that this viewing material could be discovered by your children, he shouldn’t be wasting this valuable time when he could be with his wife and family.

The sooner he knows how badly this affects you, the sooner he can alter his behaviour.

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