Dear Virginia,

I'm a single parent and have worked hard to give my daughter a better start in life than the one I had — at one point, I was taken into care. So when she got a place at university, I was so happy for her. But now she's come home for the summer holiday and doesn't want to go back. She says she's not learning anything and wants to earn money and be a hairdresser. I know I must let her do what she wants, but am disappointed and feel she's making the wrong decision. How can I persuade her to think again?

Yours sincerely, Veronique

Does every mother long to be able to say: "My daughter, the doctor?" or "My son, the lawyer?" Sometimes I think all mums are in a frenzy of wishing their children would win Olympic golds, the Nobel Prize, get ahead, get ahead, get ahead. I mean, it's not just people who've had wretched backgrounds or people who, like you, Veronique, have spent part of their childhoods in care who worry like this. I bet even the Queen sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night thinking: "Oh, Lord, I know Charles is going to be King one day, but if only he could be genius at something!"

Of course, we all produce the droning, cliched mantra, "I don't care what he does as long as he's happy" — but underneath, most of us wish our children would be happy and a brilliant concert pianist/playwright/scientist or whatever, at the same time.

You've got to ask yourself first whether the university course is going to be of any use to her at all in later life. If she's training to be something specific, such as a marine biologist or a lawyer, then clearly it might well be worth saying to her: "Look, just give the second year a chance. After that, I'll back you to the hilt in becoming a hairdresser." But second years can be very different to first years. Presumably she'll be living out of halls, which will mean she will have a totally different social life and so on. It might also be worth suggesting she contact her tutor to discuss moving from the course she's on to another one she'd find more interesting.

However, if she's doing a course that will be of no use to her, then you should, actually, be delighted she's decided to drop out and do something "real". Whether the best choice is hairdressing is another matter — you should ask: has she always been drawn to hairdressing? The job is pretty badly paid and a thankless task unless you're driven to be a success.

A visit to an educational psychologist or careers adviser will also yield a list of possible choices.

SUPPORT HER

As a parent, I can see your point of view, but as a former uni dropout, I can also see your daughter's point of view. My parents are still happily married and my upbringing was comfortable, but at 19 I dropped out of a law degree in my first year, much to my dad's dismay. I wanted to train as a nurse and did, successfully, but left a couple of years after qualifying as I realised it wasn't for me. I went back to studying at 24 and completed a Masters degree from an excellent uni at 28. Ten years on, I have a career I enjoy, I'm happily married and expecting my third child. I wouldn't change any of my choices as each one has taught me valuable lessons and helped me to get where I am today. My parents have always supported me, which is the best you can do for your children.

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GET TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM

Maybe your daughter is unhappy because she hasn't any friends. The reason could be she has to move off campus for her second year, hasn't arranged anything and does not know what to do. If she really believes she is not learning anything, it could be because she is very bright and finding it too easy. Hairdressing will not provide any long-term future, unless she wants to open her own salon — in which case, she should take a degree course that offers modules including accountancy, entrepreneurship, human resources and marketing.

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