We've been married seven years and have two boys, aged three and four, but my husband has a drink problem. It's probably something to do with the terrible time he had as a member of the RUC — he saw dreadful things. At night he'd wake yelling about something he had remembered. Then he started gambling and I left home with the boys. But he keeps ringing and begging me to come back, saying he's changed. I do love him, but what shall I do?

Addicts always like to find a reason for their self-destructive behaviour. "Oh, my mother died when I was 10," they moan, as they reach out for the whiskey bottle. "I don't feel understood at home"; "My child has cerebral palsy"; "I've been sacked." That's why, they argue, they either drink themselves into a stupor or gamble the family's fortunes away. But it just won't wash. I cannot think of a single person I know who hasn't suffered traumatic events in their lives, often far worse than the ones I've just mentioned, but they don't all drink and gamble.

So harden your heart and refuse even to dream of returning home until he's convinced you, not only that he's going to change, but that he has already implemented a plan of change. It's no good believing him when he says he'll stop drinking and gambling. It's not fair on your two children even to give him a chance at this stage.

First, tell your husband if he wants you to return home, he must move out. Why should he be lording over the family nest like a king while you and your poor boys (who've done nothing wrong) perch, away from all your cosy things, on some uncomfortable and unfamiliar branch outside? He doesn't sound the most unselfish of blokes for a start.

Next, if you can get him out and move back in insist that he can't return unless he's proved he can remain drink and gambling-free for at least six months. He should also be going to at least a couple of AA meetings and a couple of Gamblers Anonymous meetings every week.

He should visit his doctor to see if he can get any help for what might — and I say "might" very tentatively — be some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder after his time in the RUC. Then, with huge effort on both your parts, you might just manage to make a good life again, for the whole family.

YOU CAN’T SAVE HIM ON YOUR OWN

Of course, you love your husband. But your welfare and that of the children must come first. As the daughter of an addict, I know there is nothing more destructive to a child's safety, self esteem and adult well-being than living in an atmosphere of tension, uncertainty and possible violence.

Your husband sounds as if he is suffering from post-traumatic stress. If he is serious about your being together, he must go for help with his problems. Only when he realises the extent of these, and the effect they are having on you, can you start to build a relationship. Please don't think you can save or help him on your own — your energy and efforts belong to your children, not managing the behaviours of an adult who has a choice to seek assistance, or carry on the same destructive patterns.

Name and address supplied

THIS DILEMMA HAS TWO SIDES

No one can have anything but sympathy for this heart-rending problem. Those who have served in units such as the SAS and RUC need support as much as the police and ambulance staff involved in the London bombings and the armed forces in Iraq and Afghanistan. And in all these cases there is the equal needs of their families.

This dilemma has two sides. The wife and children need a safe haven, which may mean separation, as your correspondent describes. But the husband also needs support. He begs her to return; she must tell him she will — but only if he accepts counselling for a problem no man, however strong, can deal with on his own. The troubles he experienced will be — for a long time to come — an inevitable feature of the private lives of all who were involved in them.

Name and address supplied.