Dear Dr Victoria,

Am I addicted to Internet Dating?

I have not been in a long term relationship for about 5 years. 2 years ago I purchased a laptop and have been actively looking for a boyfriend using several internet dating agencies. I work full time and find every evening and all weekend, I am constantly checking my various mail in boxes for updates as well as my mobile phone. Even when I am on holiday, I will either have my laptop with me or be checking out internet cafe to log on.

My success rate has not been good to date and usually end up just chatting for months on end and then not usually getting a date out of all the hard work I have put in. I recently complained to a friend that I was feeling low, in fact I have been feeling really depressed and am thinking about taking antidepressants, she suggested that I find something to do which didn't involve meeting men. Obviously, this is a really good idea but I hated all her suggestions. I have tried looking at other options but I really just cannot see the point, when all I want is to have a boyfriend.

The same friend now thinks I should look for counselling as she feels my mental health is suffering and that I need help.

Do you think she is right?

For some people, internet dating can get rather intense. But it doesn't have to be like that. As you've pointed out, you can end up constantly checking your in box, replying to any message the moment you get it and spending ages writing long emails. But this doesn't necessarily get you any closer to the elusive relationship you want.

The trick is not to constantly increase your efforts and not to subscribe to yet another internet dating service in the hope that the more work you put in, the more likely you are to find success. Instead, you need to regain some balance. You could meet the man for you in the next week but it could take another year, so you need to pace yourself. How are you going to attract the right man if you're filling all your spare time with emailing or preparing for dates? Would you truly find it attractive if you met a man who'd been spending all his free time like this for the last year?

Ultimately though, you need to decide what's right for you and learn how to prioritise. I could list all the reasons why your current mild obsession with internet dating isn't good for you and why you aren't optimising your chances of meeting the right man, but you need to come to that conclusion for yourself. Try writing down all the benefits of your current pattern of behaviour and then write a list of all the draw backs. If you do this for yourself, it will be much more convincing than someone else giving you a lecture.

If you're convinced that something has to change, start thinking about what you'd like to do differently. Sometimes it helps to think about what you would tell a friend of yours to do if she were in the same situation. There's nothing wrong with internet dating but you don't need to sign up to more than one site at a time and you certainly don't need to be emailing while you're on holiday. You don't need to enter into a three month email exchange with a man in order to get a date. If you've been exchanging emails for a week or more and he's not forthcoming, suggest you chat on the phone and then suggest meeting up. If you don't want to arrange the date yourself, just say that it would be great to meet up face to face some time soon and leave the rest to him.

If you were looking for a new job, you wouldn't waste your time with months of dialogue only to discover there wasn't even a vacancy going. So why would you do the same with your personal life? Ok, so it's not a business deal - you need to let some emotion in - but at the same time, there has to be a limit.

As for the depression, your friend has a point. Doing something else in your spare time is a great idea. But don't rely on other people to come up with the suggestions. You need to sort this out for yourself. Regular exercise will boost your mood and your confidence but try doing something else too that's just for you. There must be something you've always wanted to try.

Counselling might help, but in the first instance try the simple measures of cutting back on the time you spend devoted to internet dating and becoming more efficient in how you go about getting a date. If you have to, set yourself a limit on how often you'll check for messages. Plus do some regular exercise and take up a new hobby. If things still aren't improving then speak to your GP for advice.

If you want to ask Dr Lukats's advice send an email to DrVictoria@belfasttelegraph.co.uk. Please bear in mind she cannot enter into private correspondence and cannot answer all questions. Any advice given will be published on the website (personal details will not be published).

Dr Victoria works with PARSHIP the company that powers our dating service. Take our free scientific compatibility test to find someone who is really right for you with Belfast Telegraph Dating, click here . To learn more about Dr Victoria Lukats click here .