Dear Victoria,

My boyfriend of 3 years has told me that he doesn't know what he wants. He goes through these phases every few weeks.

Nine months ago we split up for a month. During that time, he was with someone else which broke my heart, but we worked things out and have been getting on ok since then.

Then a month ago I discovered he has been texting a female friend of his, who also happens to be an ex-girlfriend. I don't mind him texting his female friends, but I would prefer if it was all out in the open so that I don't have any reason to mistrust him!

He says he can't understand why I don't trust him. I feel insecure because of him seeing this other girl when we split up - plus it doesn't make it any easier when I find texts in his phone from this friend/ex-girlfriend of his. All he says is that they're just friends, that he knew well before me and that he isn't going to stop talking to her. Actually, I'm not asking him to stop talking to her but just to let me know so that I can learn to trust him again. I sometimes feel like I'm always somehow in the wrong.

We've been trying for a baby but sometimes when we've been trying, he then seems to regret it. Sometimes we fight and he has doubts about our relationship and on those occasions he brings up the fact that I haven't fallen pregnant yet. He has said that maybe we're not meant to be if we haven’t had a baby yet.

Last week, yet again, he said he doesn't know if he wants to be with me and he doesn't know if he loves me! I've stuck by him through all of this, but this is now how he treats me. I buy him anything he wants and do anything he needs me to do. I just don't know what to think any more. How can someone make me feel so unloved?

Could you please give me some advice?

Initially your email looked like it was all about arguments over your boyfriend's female friends and how he makes you feel insecure. Perhaps this is what you've been arguing about, but I think this is just a red herring.

Sometimes you can end up arguing about one thing, but the real heart of the matter is something much deeper. No, personally I don't think he should be constantly texting female friends, some of whom are his ex-girlfriends, but that's just my opinion.

More importantly though, you shouldn't be asking him to be making you feel more secure. You should be telling him to start treating you with some respect and telling him to stop treating you like you were born yesterday. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. He's treating you badly, but you've been letting him. If your partner is overstepping the mark, there's no harm in being assertive and explaining that his behaviour is out of order.

It sounds like you've already come to the conclusion for yourself that this man is making you feel unloved and that he's taking you for granted. He even has the outrageous cheek to criticise you for the fact that you haven't got pregnant yet. Quite honestly, I'm staggered you didn't tell him where to go. I'm not sure how long you've been trying for a baby, but somehow I think you've had a lucky escape not falling pregnant with his child. Whatever you do, DON'T rely on the fact that you haven't fallen pregnant so far as an indicator for the future. If you have unprotected sex with him, the chances are sooner or later (yes, if you're ovulating it can happen after just one time) you'll fall pregnant. The best advice I could give you now is not to get pregnant with this man's baby.

Whatever your feelings are for this man, surely you can suspend those ideas just for a moment and consider whether this is the sort of person you'd want as a father for your children. Don't you want someone who loves you, who wants to make a permanent commitment to you, who would always put his partner and his children first, and who would give you and any children a sense of security – not just financial but also emotionally? I know you have strong feelings for him but I'm sure you know that if you were to have children, they deserve more than this. Deep down I think you know you deserve more than this too.