Dear Dr Victoria

There’s a bloke at work who I get on really well with.

We email each other frequently regarding work but always end up writing about our weekend or exchanging light-hearted banter. I’m always looking for an excuse to call him and he’s always eager to stay on the line longer than we really need to.

I catch him staring at me when I go into his department or if we are in the same meeting. Most Friday’s after work a crowd from my department end up in the pub round the corner and if he’s there with his colleagues, we act like we don’t know each other. I would have no problem talking to him but he never makes eye contact with me and stays in his group. I know he’s not going out with anyone and can’t figure out why he’s so friendly with me in work and yet so distant with me out of work. Half the time I think he fancies me and the other half I think he’s just amusing himself with me. I really can’t tell if he fancies me but I know I really fancy him. What do you think my next step should be?

Dr Victoria replies:

I doubt very much that he’s just amusing himself with you. This isn’t normally what men do. What would be the benefit of being friendly and chatty, even flirty with you one minute, then blanking you the next? Do you really believe he would find your discomfort or even humiliation amusing? Do you get the impression that he and his friends are sniggering at you behind your back? I think it’s all very improbable.

Clearly he likes you as a friend at least. Either he finds you attractive too, but he’s too shy to do anything about it, or he finds you attractive but he doesn’t want everyone at work to know about it, or both. The other possibility is that he’s realised you fancy him, he doesn’t feel the same and he’s trying to discourage you.

Regarding what you do next, I’m afraid there’s no way that you can telepathically know what’s going on in his head. But fear not... you don’t have to ask him out or ask him if he feels the same. All you need to do is chat to him. Be friendly and show an interest instead of blanking him too. When you’re next out for a drink together, you need to make conversation with him. Next time there’s a night out; ask him if he’s coming. You can subtly engineer things so he has a reason to talk to you. Half start a conversation that day at work, tell him you’ve got to get back to your work and tell him you can have a good chat when you see him that evening.

I suspect that most likely, you’re both a bit shy and you’re taking his lack of eye contact when you’re in a group as a sign he’s not interested. He’s probably feeling the same. You need to get talking outside work and see if there’s some chemistry there. You may be able to get him to ask you out with a gently nudge. If he’s interested and has already thought about it, this should easier than you think. He just needs some encouragement. Or if your style is to be more direct, just ask him out yourself. Personally, I don’t think this will be necessary but if you’re feeling brave and you want to cut to the chase, just say that you two should go out for a drink one evening.

Finally, one other thing, which may seem to be a relatively trivial matter; when you’re emailing at work, avoid too much of the friendly chit chat in your emails. Certainly don’t flirt too much and definitely don’t write anything explicit. If you work in a company, there will be certain words which will trigger your employer to read all your emails. Needless to say, it could all get rather embarrassing.