Dear Victoria,

I feel so lonely. I'm 33 and I'm out of a disastrous relationship that ended 2 or 3 years ago and I don't seem to be able to get over it.

This relationship made me resent men - somehow I can't trust them.

I'm still friends with my ex although he has a girlfriend now, but I still secretly think that we'll get back together eventually. We used to have a very close friendship but now he's with this new girl, our relationship has faded away...

Every time, I have these thoughts about us getting back together, I try to be rational with myself and remember all the negatives stuff that was going on in our relationship - but it doesn't really work.

I'm trying to meet new people but it's easier said than done. I'm very shy and I usually wait for the guy to make the first move. I would never kiss a guy first and I need to know that he fancies me a bit before I try and take things further. I would hate the feeling of rejection if I were ever to misinterpret the signs. I never have one night stands either – it's not my style!

So I'm alone, and I'm unable to find anybody. I also come to the conclusion that if I'm not over my ex boyfriend I can't be happy in a new relationship.

On top of this I'm a proud person. I wouldn't talk to my close friends about my problems as I'm scared of them judging me or becoming annoyed. I suspect they think I should just get over it.

So when I go home, I tend to cry myself to sleep. I still keep telling myself, that it will pass, I just need more time, but I have done that for more than 2 years and it doesn't seem to go away. I don't want to end up being mean to other people or alone in my old age because I can't get over a relationship. Can you advise?

Dr Victoria replies

The word “closure” isn't normally in my vocabulary – it's not really in common usage this side of the Atlantic, but it's exactly what you need. You seem to be carrying a heavy burden, yet you can't shrug it off as you seem to blame yourself so much for everything. You say you secretly think that you'll get back together with your ex but you also say you want to get over him. Do you mean that you're resigned to the fact the you'll end up back together eventually even though he treated you badly or is it more that it's what you're hoping for, but you're doubtful that you'll ever get what you really want?

The situation with your ex needs to be resolved. Perhaps you need to determine once and for all if there's a chance you'll ever get back together. Did this man treat you badly? Did he cheat on you, put you down, become abusive or violent towards you or let you down when you needed him? If yes, then you really don't need his friendship. In fact it's more than that – you actively need him out of your life so he doesn't keep sapping your self-confidence.

But if you believe it was a good relationship that shouldn't have ended and you genuinely think it's worth another shot then you need to find out if it's still a possibility. If he really could be the one for you then don't wait passively while life passes you by. I'm not suggesting you encourage him to cheat on his girlfriend with you or to accept any scraps of affection that he's willing to pass your way, but you'd need to find out if he's willing to make a go of proper relationship with you.

If it may be a possibility, your approach would depend on your past history together and the current situation, but maybe suggest going out for a drink or meeting up for a coffee a couple of times. Have a friendly chat and a laugh together but you'd need to tell him you still care about him and that you've sometimes thought your relationship should have worked out. Then the next time you met up you could ask him how he feels. If he tells you there is a chance you could get back together, you'd need to make it clear pretty quickly that it's a serious relationship you're looking for rather than a quick fling.

If it's not going to happen or if you know in your heart that you shouldn't even go there again – perhaps because he wouldn't be able to treat you well, then you need to put it to the back of your mind and move on with immediate effect.

As you've quite rightly pointed out, it's easier said than done but it really can be done. Even if you'll never forget your ex, why should you remain single and miserably pine for him forever? He may always occupy a place in your heart, but that's ok and it's normal. You can and should acknowledge that but still move on with your life. Moving on doesn't mean obliterating the memories, it means getting back to a normal day to day routine, enjoying things again, socialising with friends, making new friends, finding enjoyable activities to occupy your spare time and regularly meeting single people who could be potential partners. Recognise that it's going to take time and it's going to take effort. Knowing you're doing all the right things should bring you some comfort, for as long as you're taking active steps, you're going in the right direction. The more effort you put in now, the more you'll reap the benefits later.

In order to meet a new man, you don't necessarily need to ask a man if he'd like to go on a date or kiss him first. Most men in their 30's know how to date and know what's expected. If you join a reputable, paid-for internet dating site, you take the time to write a good profile, have a flattering up to date photo of yourself and start exchanging emails with a man, he will probably suggest a date within a couple of weeks and you can always suggest meeting up yourself if he's not forthcoming. If you're out in a bar or if you've been introduced to someone you like through friends or through work, all that's necessary is to be friendly and chatty and if he hasn't asked you on a date, just say it would be really nice to keep in touch and exchange mobile phone numbers – he'll soon text you or ask you on a date if he's interested.

Two years is a long time to wait, not knowing what the future holds. It's time to start getting what you want out of life rather than waiting for something to happen.