Dear Dr Victoria,

You may think that a single 36 year old female wouldn’t be asking this question at this time in my her life but I really can’t tell if the men I meet are just after a quick fling or a serious relationship.

I’m not the type who jumps straight into bed with them (learnt that lesson years ago) but I keep picking men who only want to have fun and move on.

I’m not afraid to say that I am genuinely looking for someone to settle down with. I’ve had the holidays, the clothes, the career but I just can’t find a man that wants to stay the course. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any problems pulling a man but after a few dates, there’s always talk about going away for a short break and the pressure starts to build to go to bed with them. The one’s that I resist, walk, while the others that I keep waiting, don’t hang around long after the event happens and I end up speaking to their answer phone!

Am I deluded? Or can you tell if he’s after a quick fling or a serious relationship?

Dr Victoria replies:

There are various theories about how long you should wait to sleep with a man. If you sleep with a man too soon, will he think you're too easy or are you denying him the thrill of the chase? You're not a teenager anymore and we're not living in the 1950's so unless you actually want to save yourself for marriage, stop obsessing about how long to wait or how to get him to make a commitment. Instead of being eager to please or being seen to do the right thing – think about what you want, what feels right; learn to trust your instincts and have faith in your own judgement. I've never seen any convincing evidence that waiting or not waiting to sleep with a man makes any difference whatsoever to what happens to the relationship in the long-run.

But what you do need to watch out for is mistaking the feeling of intimacy that comes with sleeping together for being madly in love with one another, or worse, that it's a sign of commitment. If you can't bear the risk of sleeping with a man then everything fizzling out soon after you can lessen the risk of getting hurt by waiting until the relationship is more established. If you've been dating someone regularly for two months and it's going well, you build up a better idea of what someone is like day in day out, not just a few snapshots. Sometimes relationships don't work out, but the more established it becomes, the more you get a true sense of how it's going and where it's going. No matter what amazing compliments a man pays you after two dates, trust needs to be established before you know if it's really coming from the heart of if it's just his way with all women.

Sleeping with a man in the first couple of weeks isn't going to make him like you more, it certainly isn't going to make him fall in love with you and unless it's a disaster, it's unlikely to put him off you. If you tend to develop intense feelings quite quickly, especially once you've slept with a man, there's no harm in waiting a bit longer so you can be more sure of your own feelings first.

There's no single way to tell if a man is looking for a serious relationship. You need to take an overall view. But if a man warns you that he doesn't want anything serious, or he can't imagine himself settling down or he's not the marrying type don't make it your mission to convince him otherwise. Just take him at his word and if you know you're looking for a serious relationship – don't waste your time. If he has periods where he doesn't phone you or doesn't return your calls or texts or seems too busy to see you, again – don't waste your time. I genuinely believe that if a relationship is going to last, things nearly always go smoothly from the beginning, especially in the first few months. Being busy at work or family problems should be no obstacle. If a man really likes you he'll want to see you whatever else is going on. He'll want to at least speak to you or text you even if he's really busy.

Remember also that men who have been brought up to have good manners will treat you well and pay you compliments. Whilst this is fantastic and you could easily argue that this is the least you should expect, again you shouldn't confuse this with a man being in love with you. Men with manners will be courteous to nearly everyone around them. Don't think it's a fast track to a relationship.

So, you've got to the stage where you've been seeing each other for a month, maybe six weeks, he's treating you well, being attentive, you're going on dates regularly, he phones you, texts you, returns your calls and doesn't go silent for a day or two. You then need to have met at least some of his friends and he should start referring to you as his girlfriend. It should also become very clear that neither of you are seeing anyone else. This is especially important if you've met on the internet. For example, he may tell you he's taking his profile down and ask that you're not seeing anyone else. Unless there are exceptional circumstances he will normally want to introduce you to some of his family too – maybe not as quickly as meeting his friends but usually in the first six months. These signs, in combination with him telling you how he feels - specifically that he loves you and wants to be with you in the future – are what you're looking for.