Dear Victoria, I have been dating this guy for about six-months and it was fairly serious. When we first met I was a stone lighter. I guess being in a relationship and happy has made me eat more and pay less attention to food. I’m 5ft 4 inches and now weigh 10 stone.

Then about three weeks ago my boyfriend and I were in our favourite coffee bar and I was just about to get stuck into a lovely chocolate muffin when he suggested that I cut back on the cakes as I had gained a few extra pounds. As you can image I was completely distraught, particularly since as a teenager I had suffered from bulimia. Thankfully that’s all in the past now. I told my mum what he’d said and she said that I should dump him immediately and that I didn’t need chauvinistic men in my life telling me what to do and what to eat, if he really loved me then he would never say something so insulting.

I haven’t stopped seeing him, even though my mother thinks I have, but this comment has made me really cut back on my eating. I don’t want to tell him about my teenage illness but I’m also scared that I might revert back to old habits.

My mum now wants be to go back to the doctors, but I’m now so confused and the whole situation is really stressful.

Let's get this straight. Your weight is not a problem. You're not overweight.

When your boyfriend told you to cut down because you'd gained weight, his comments were nothing to do with whether he loves you or not. You're asking yourself the wrong questions if you think this is what your confusion is about. The question shouldn't be "does he really love me" - it should be about whether he's right for you.

If his recent comment was typical of his attitude, then this is something you should take very seriously. If you find he is outspoken and puts you down quite a bit, even telling what to do and all of this makes you unhappy or uncomfortable, then I'm afraid your mum is probably right. Generally I'm not one to give knee-jerk reactions. I'm not going to tell you to dump him, but you do need to give it all some consideration and come to your own conclusions.

The point is that your boyfriend's comments about your weight don't automatically make him a nasty person who doesn't deserve to have a relationship ever again - we make ill-considered comments now and then - but if he generally talks to you like this and you feel that you have difficulty brushing off his comments, if you take them to heart, you don't just laugh it off or tease him in return, then it may be that your personalities just clash with one another.

So do give the relationship with your boyfriend some consideration. It could be that you start standing up to him more. It could be that you decide he isn't right for you and you end the relationship. It could be that you decide to tell him about your struggle with your weight and with bulimia in the past (he could find this sort of discussion quite daunting so don't even bother explaining it all to him unless you think this is a serious relationship with a long term future - otherwise you might find it better to talk to friends and family). If you do decide to tell him about your bulimia, his reaction could be quite telling. There is a chance he could be scared off or appear unsympathetic - if you can't handle this then this may not be the best time to bring up the topic.

The other, perhaps more important issue is about your self-esteem and how it is intertwined with your eating patterns. Whatever you decide to do about your boyfriend, you really should try your best to address these issues. You don't say how you recovered from bulimia in the past but if you're in your early 20's you should be aware that you're still vulnerable to the bulimia starting up again - especially if you feel under pressure to loose weight, if you have a boyfriend telling you to loose weight despite the fact that you're at a healthy weight and the fact that your self-esteem seems to be suffering as a result of his comments. Add into this the fact that you're eating very little in an attempt to loose weight and you have the perfect recipe to tip you over into a cycle of binging and purging again.

Because you may be vulnerable to developing bulimia again, I would advise against trying to loose weight unless you become overweight. If you are determined to loose weight then do it very, very gradually as periods of near starvation will just trigger you to binge. Whatever you do, for this reason, you should eat regularly and not skip meals. If your bulimia does become a problem again, don't be afraid to get help quickly. People are often ashamed or embarrassed to seek help for bulimia but it's so common and it is treatable. Provided you're motivated, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can be really effective for bulimia and there's good evidence that it works. Self-help books, based on CBT can also be really effective. Doctors can also prescribe antidepressants to treat bulimia. Healthcare professionals have much greater awareness of bulimia and the treatment options these days.

Fundamental, however, to the success of this or any future relationship and also to you maintaining a healthy weight and healthy eating patterns is for you to improve your self-confidence and assertiveness. If you are close to you mum then you could discuss this with her. Or maybe a close friend. You need someone to confide in other than your boyfriend right now. If you normally get on with your mum then be honest with her and don't hide the fact that you're still seeing your boyfriend. Whatever her opinions, you don't have to either accept your mum's advice or lie to her – you can politely tell her that whilst you agree with some of what she says, you don't always have to immediately follow her advice.

Assertiveness and self-confidence often improve with age but in the meantime, schedule in things that will give you a confidence boost (other than loosing weight). Don't let life revolve around your boyfriend - take up a hobby, read more, learn a new skill, socialise with friends who don't put you down, focus more on your career or think of ways to get a promotion or branch out at work, become passionate about something - history, science, literature, music, or raise money for charity. You only get one chance at life - make the most of it and do things that YOU want to do. Don't allow other people to put you down and certainly don't start believing their put-downs.

If you want to ask Dr Lukats's advice send an email to DrVictoria@belfasttelegraph.co.uk. Please bear in mind she cannot enter into private correspondence and cannot answer all questions. Any advice given will be published on the website (personal details will not be published).

Dr Victoria works with PARSHIP the company that powers our dating service. Take our free scientific compatibility test to find someone who is really right for you with Belfast Telegraph Dating, click here . To learn more about Dr Victoria Lukats click here .