Dear Dr Victoria,

I’ve just turned 30 and view myself as an independent and confident woman. I spent the last few years of my life travelling around the world, seeing new places and meeting new people. The whole experience has been truly invigorating but all good things must come to an end.

So, early last year I moved back to Ireland and have just started my first permanent job in over four years. At the same time I’ve been dating a man I met before I started travelling. This relationship is going really well and I think we both really enjoy each other’s company. With that said, being in a relationship makes me feel insecure.

The other day I noticed myself asking him if he thought I was pretty and then I realised I often fish for compliments. I hate myself for doing this but need constant reassurance that he’s not going to run off with someone else.

I’ll feel really disgusted in myself after but can’t seem to stop. My parents split up when I was young, my father had an affair, and he’s never really managed to settle down.

When I was nineteen I had a boyfriend for a year, but he ended it. Since then I’ve really tried to avoid any type of commitment.

I’m afraid that I might become really insecure if the relationship continues, should I just end it now?

If you like your boyfriend and it feels like things are going well, why would you want to end it? You value your independence and you've made a link between this and experiences in the past - maybe you fear that all relationships will end badly.

Maybe you fear feeling vulnerable or rejected if the relationship ends. Maybe this was how you felt when your parents split up when you were younger. Don't forget that you've been used to managing on your own and you've done a good job of it. This is something you should be proud of and your independence is probably one of the things your boyfriend finds attractive in you. You fear becoming too dependent on someone else. This is all understandable plus when a relationship starts to get serious, it's normal to have the occasional moment of doubt or a feeling of ambivalence.

As you get to spend more time with your boyfriend and the relationship develops, things will go one way or the other. Either you'll grow together, adapt and the relationship will flourish, or things won't work out. If you get on that well, surely ending it prematurely, before you're sure – because it might not work out, or because you're not sure if you might become more dependent - could mean you end up regretting it.

Now, if it's something about this particular boyfriend that's making you feel insecure this is a different matter. You feel insecure at the moment. Is this more because of your own insecurities (by the way, everyone has insecurities) based on your own view of the world and your own experiences, or is your boyfriend acting in ways that make you feel insecure? Some questions you could ask yourself to clarify if this feeling is coming from your boyfriend: Does he take his time to phone or text you back without explanation, are there periods when you don't know where he is or what he's up to for a day or two, does he have some sort of hectic, partying social life that isn't really in tune with your own lifestyle, does he allude to just wanting fun rather than a serious relationship or is he saying he never wants to get married or have children when this is something you might want in the future, or have you been together six months or more and he seems uncomfortable or unwilling to talk about your future together?

Relationships by their nature, do involve a certain degree of allowing yourself to be vulnerable. You have to let your guard down a bit, and allow yourself to trust someone else – but this does take time. It's a give and take process and it's gradual. You don't need to trust someone completely and utterly in order to have a successful relationship. Trust comes over time. Trust has to be earned. So don't get alarmed if you have moments of wondering if you can trust your boyfriend. What's important is that the trust and the bond grows over time. It's unrealistic and naïve to expect blind trust at any stage in a relationship, especially at the beginning. Put doubts into context. If you feel compelled to question or accuse your boyfriend of infidelity, take a moment to ask yourself if you have reason to mistrust him before you speak out. Even if your boyfriend does occasionally act in a selfish manner, you can bring this up with him rather than just blaming yourself. If he's been single for a long time, it may be that he needs to adapt to being in a relationship too and if he cares about you, he'll want to make you happy.

So take your time and don't make any rash decisions you'll regret. Let the relationship and the trust grow. You don't have to speak every small doubt the moment you think it, but if there are major issues, especially if he's acting selfishly, don't keep quiet either. There are no guarantees in relationships, but if you can learn to trust your instincts and intuition, you can tell the difference between insecurity that's mainly rooted in your own inner experiences and insecurity that's mainly coming from how your partner is acting or feeling. In a long-term established relationship, insecurities usually get easier to interpret and manage if you're with a partner who is stable and supportive.

If you want to ask Dr Lukats's advice send an email to DrVictoria@belfasttelegraph.co.uk. Please bear in mind she cannot enter into private correspondence and cannot answer all questions. Any advice given will be published on the website (personal details will not be published).

Dr Victoria works with PARSHIP the company that powers our dating service. Take our free scientific compatibility test to find someone who is really right for you with Belfast Telegraph Dating, click here . To learn more about Dr Victoria Lukats click here .