Dear Victoria,

My boyfriend and I are going through a bad patch and I don’t know what to do. A couple of days ago he decided he wanted a break.

I wasn’t happy about this but I decided that if he wasn’t happy in the relationship what was the point of trying to persuade him otherwise? Then he decided he had been wrong and any problem wasn't down to our relationship. He told me he was sorry and that he wants us to get back together.

We've had rough times before when he was down about money problems or not having a job, but we got through these things without breaking up. Now I don’t know whether we should get back together or not. How do I know he won’t change his mind and put me through this again? I'm also worried that maybe he's just scared of being on his own - after nearly five years together it would be a huge change to be apart. We could talk in circles for hours and not get anywhere. I feel really vulnerable now especially knowing that he could call it a day so suddenly without even expressing his feelings until now. I wonder if I would be a fool to have him back straight away as if nothing happened. I miss the times when we were happy together and we'd talk about the children we would have one day, but I don’t know if we would ever be like that again. What should I do?

I can't tell you whether you should take him back or not. Only you can decide what's best for you, but there are a few things worth considering. Don't feel that you need to jump to have him back immediately just because he has now had time to see the error of his ways.

There's nothing wrong with telling him that you've been really hurt and you need time to take it all in and to think about what has gone on. He has obviously been spending plenty of time thinking about your relationship without giving you the courtesy of sharing his thoughts. You can't be at his beck and call. You now need time and space to do some thinking of your own. You need to think not just about how much you miss your boyfriend but also, perhaps more importantly, you need to think seriously about what you consider to be the downsides of your relationship. Be really, really honest with yourself about what you want from a relationship in the longer term and then ask yourself if your boyfriend is someone who realistically is going to give you that or is he just someone you enjoy spending time with and have fun with?

You don't say how old you are or what your social circumstances are right now but this does have some bearing. If you're still in your early twenties or late teens then you may be happy to spend time with someone who can't give you any promises of long-term commitment. If, however, you're in your late twenties or thirties then 5 years is a long time to spend with someone without any formal commitment or specific discussions about such matters. Clearly you've had some discussion about the children you might have one day. I'm afraid most couples have some sort of brief discussion of this sort – even in the early days of some very casual relationships. This isn't the same as making solid plans for the future with someone.

I may be barking up the wrong tree as you haven't given me much to go on, but if what you want is a stable permanent relationship, possibly marriage and children with a man who wants the same things as you, the bottom line is are you going to get this with your boyfriend? If you're young still, it might not be an issue, but if you're looking for that sort of relationship now, after five years together, it's high time he puts his cards on the table.

Maybe there are different issues that you've had concerns over – you say that you've been going through a rough patch. If there are things that you frequently argue or disagree over, perhaps these things have been issues for your boyfriend too. Be honest with yourself about whether you think the relationship issues you've had can be solved.

The other, not insignificant issue, is over what he thought he was doing splitting up with you when you're meant to be the woman he's completely in love with. What you should absolutely not do, is accept his brief apology that this was a simple mistake, take his word for it that this was all it was and leave it at that. He's going to have to do much better if he's going to have any chance of even starting to regain your trust.

Quite clearly, a man who has been happily dating his girlfriend for 5 years does not just wake up one morning with a niggling doubt and that same day tell his girlfriend that he wants to split up. Either he has been unhappy for some time (or at least he has been experiencing increasingly mixed feelings about you and the relationship), or else he has met someone else. Whichever it is, now he has let the cat out of the bag over the fact that there is a problem, he's going to have to give you the details so you can start to think things over and make sense of it all. If he has been seeing someone else, this may well put a different spin on things for you. If he hasn't but he considers there to be things about the relationship he's not happy with, or at least things he's having doubts over, unless he tells you what these things are how can you hope to resolve things? Any discussion you have with your boyfriend should not simply be about his gripes with you and how you can best please him. It needs to be a two way, interactive process.

I understand your most immediate concern is over how you start to trust him again and how you know he won't do the same thing again, but what's done is done now. There will always be a chance the same thing will happen again, but there never are any guarantees with relationships, just probabilities. If you get back together and work things out, the feeling of trust will come back eventually but it will take some time.

You should be less concerned about regaining the trust or worrying about whether things will feel the same (these things really will work themselves out), and more about what is going on right now. You need the full explanation and discussion with your boyfriend, you need some time to think it all over, then if you decide to go for it, be careful and cautious initially. It's for your boyfriend to win you over and regain your trust, not for you to convince him that he should have you back.