Dear Dr. Victoria,

I am 34 year old happily single woman. I love life and am involved in many clubs and associations related to my profession and hobbies.

I’m optimistic and believe that life is really what you make it. I have many friends and am close to my family.

I’m lucky enough to be in a good job. I have worked very hard all my life, have dedicated much of my time in getting to a position in my profession.

I’ve been single for 7 years. This is sometimes surprising to anyone who finds this out as I’m attractive - tall, slim, blonde etc. and spent some of my college years modelling on the side. However I am self- critical. I’m quite tough on myself, maintaining certain weight etc., but enjoy spending time on my appearance.

All my friends and relatives are engaged, married or making babies. I love them dearly and am happy for them, but I find it hard to find people to go out with at weekends. I live by myself in an apartment, and am becoming more isolated, which I find depressing. I sometimes go to concerts or the theatre on my own and I’ve been on holiday alone. I’m quite annoyed that if you don't fit into the society model of having a partner, you’re viewed as an oddball. It’s not my ultimate dream to settle down, but I would like to find a man to share my life with.

It’s becoming impossible to meet single people my age through my social circles. I’ve gone through years of online dating websites and have lost confidence - I met many men who were not what or who they said they were, often married, or other hidden details, to the point now that I wouldn't be able to trust anyone fully that I meet on websites or through an agency so I’ve just shelved that whole 'industry' as a route to find someone.

My friends think I am being ridiculous and worrying unnecessarily. At the moment, I have no-one to talk to about this, as people just get bored of hearing about it. I don't or can't get one-night-stands or quick flings. I’m worried I'll never meet anyone.

I’m beginning to think there's something wrong with me. I have not dated anyone or been asked out once, and any man I have met in a 'date' is an introduction through a dating agent/club, and it never went beyond the drink/coffee. I haven’t even kissed a guy in 7 years. I’ve asked men out but it was never a success. I’m now thinking of taking antidepressants. I’d like to meet someone – what do you suggest?

Dr Victoria replies:

You seem to have explored every eventuality and every possibility. Would you describe yourself as a worrier? You’re saying that you’ve tried almost everything that anyone could think of trying in order to meet men and establish a relationship. But everything seems to end badly or you give excuses as to why certain avenues are now closed to you. I’m certainly wondering whether you’re a perfectionist – perhaps your fear is that trying something may lead to failure so you rationalize that it’s best not to try in the first place? You’ve given up on internet dating or agency dating or dating through single’s clubs because you’ve met some men who lied. You given up on meeting people through friends as so few men are single. You’ve given up asking men out because it didn’t go so well when you did. You don’t mention meeting men when you go out in the evening to bars but you’ve already said your friends don’t tend to go out with you in the evenings.

You’re coming up with a lot of excuses for someone who describes themselves as an optimist! What I’d like to see is some of your natural optimism coming back. The surest way to failure is to give up trying, so now you need to have some faith that your efforts will be rewarded. Next time you start telling yourself that you’ll be single forever, challenge your negative thoughts and tell yourself something kinder and more rational instead. If at first you don’t succeed, you certainly need to try again and again. Yes it can be hard work and sometimes demoralizing but if you keep up the effort you’re bound to meet someone sooner or later.

The bottom line is this: if what you’ve been doing so far isn’t working, you need to either keep making an effort, make more effort, do things differently or learn to compromise on what you’re looking for in a partner. So, if you’ve joined one dating agency for a few months, met quite a few men and none were suitable, go to another site. If you’re serious about meeting someone, you should be going on several dates each month, at least. Think laterally about how you generate these dates. Internet dating is one option, single’s clubs are another, taking up a couple of new hobbies is another, being more sociable with friends, colleagues and acquaintances is another. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that if someone isn’t a single man you shouldn’t bother talking to them. Even if you made a couple of new girlfriends it could make all the difference. You might get introduced to someone; they might know someone perfect for you or they might like the idea of a girly night out every month or so. So I would say you should re-double your efforts in widening your social circle at the same time as being kinder on yourself - stop setting yourself up for failure.

The other thing is how you approach men. Relax, lighten up and chat to men in a light hearted way. Smile, look interested, listen and ask questions (without interrogating about job and salary and relationship intentions). There’s no need to interrogate a man about their relationship intentions in the early days or months of dating because his actions always speak louder than words.

If you meet men through the internet, choose your site wisely so that you maximize the chances of meeting like-minded men. Don’t wait passively for men to contact you – be proactive and drop them a brief message with a brief question about their profile. Exchange enough messages with each other before meeting up so that you think it’s worthwhile but don’t email every day for months as you’ll inevitably be let down as you will have created an artificial image in your mind.

Internet dating has moved on from 5 or 10 years ago. Most single people now use internet dating to get a date so I don’t buy that you’ll only meet married men, cheats and liars. You just need to learn to screen them out by reading between the lines in their communications and behaviour and never assume something is a relationship until you’re comfortably referring to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, there have been quite a few dates and you’ve met each other’s friends, family and seen one another’s homes.

As for antidepressants, they won’t make you happier in yourself, but they may help the symptoms if you have clinical depression (daily low mood, low energy, poor concentration, irritability, and tiredness, lower than usual self-esteem, poor sleep, poor appetite and weight loss, reduced libido). For milder depression, brief psychological therapy or counselling or self-help books are just as good if not better than antidepressants but see your GP if you have any concerns you may be depressed.