Why are men so unhappy?
Thursday, 23 August 2007
It used to be universally-accepted that teenage boys were the most disenchanted members of society. Remember Morrissey in the 80s who, as the self-proclaimed spokesman for a generation, penned the classic anthem, Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now? Or Marc Almond from Soft Cell who bleated the chorus: "And now I'm all alone, in bedsit-land - my only home ..."
And who can forget those 'coming of age' films like the Dead Poets Society
and Stand By Me, where the torment of the mid-teens was a movie genre all of
its own?
Melancholy used to be as much a part of the awkward years
as inappropriate crushes, spotty skin and greasy hair.
But now the
tables appear to have turned. Those gangs of 'youths' dressed in a uniform
of black-on-black who loiter around town centre landmarks swigging cider and
puffing on the solitary ciggie they dared swipe from their dad's jacket
pocket, would seem to be a relatively happy lot compared to their
angst-ridden predecessors.
In fact, if my son's mates who bed down
on my living room floor every Friday night are anything to go by, then they
haven't a care in the world. I should know: their noisy guffawing at repeats
of Jackass and loud, lively banter keep me awake until the wee hours every
weekend without fail.
No. According to a new survey of social
trends, the sector of society whom we should be most concerned about are not
teenage boys, but their big brothers and older uncles.
A report
out this week by The British Market Research Bureau concludes that the most
disenchanted lot these days are in fact the pre-40s who have settled down,
got themselves hitched (or failed spectacularly) and now believe they have
little to look forward to except a receding hairline and a mid-life crisis
in 10 or so years time.
The survey confirms what I had concluded
personally many months ago, when I found myself single again after almost
two decades and had begun the tiresome process of dating again.
The 'Angry young men' of the 1950s and 'Grumpy old men' of the 1990s seem to
have fused this millennium into a hybrid species. It's a relatively new
phenomenon, as yet un-named, but for the sake of social stereotyping, let's
call them the 'Disgruntled Desperados'.
My own personal experience
of disgruntled desperados, observed during countless fruitless dates via a
popular dating agency, uncovered a number of variants. Though their
circumstances varied vastly, they were hopelessly miserable to a man. Here
are just a few examples:
Date 1: Had married his childhood
sweetheart. They conceived two children and a giant mortgage then one day
she announced she was a lesbian and left him for a sub-post office
manageress. He's been bitter ever since.
Date 2: Had paid for his
wife to train as a nurse. She subsequently ran-off with a doctor and he's
been angry ever since.
Date 3: Was colour-blind but had passed his
driving test by bluffing. Subsequently crashed his boss's car, lost both his
licence and his job and has been stroppy ever since.
Date 4: Had
been living with a woman for 10 years in total bliss. They then got married
and after one month she left him for his best man. He'd been depressed ever
since.
Date 5: I had high hopes for this guy. He was handsome,
witty, clever. Furthermore, he seemed happy and care-free. But on our third
date I asked him about his ex-wife and he broke down, weeping uncontrollably
into his pint, confessing that he still loved her.
I've been
miserable ever since.
Dogged followers of fashion
The phrase 'Doggy Style' took on a whole new meaning this week when pampered
pooches from across the world converged on New York City for the beginning
of Pet Fashion Week.
Yes, I'm being serious. On the catwalk
(shouldn't that be dog-walk?) pedigrees of almost every known breed were
paraded up and down in the latest gear, including a Marilyn Monroe-style
sun-ray pleated party frock (for her) and a Donegal tweed double-breasted
trouser suit (for him).
Models sashayed in front of the world's
cameras, stopping only occasionally to wee on the stage props.
It
seems money was no object for some proud dog owners who were queuing up to
acquire the expensive bespoke petwear.
For those with a casual
approach to fashion, there was a collection of leisurewear including tank
tops, waist coats, T-shirts and "jogging" pants, with a pocket to
carry your favourite ball or stick. And if you think that's barking mad,
just wait 'til you hear about the "hairstyles".
Apparently the very latest must-have accessory is a wig to complement the
total look. I kid you not.
One of the most popular examples was a
fluorescent pink clip-on hair piece which is designed specifically for
long-eared breeds such as King Charles and cocker spaniels.
Another
is inspired by Pollyanna and features two long blonde plaits which are
secured in place with ear clips and dangle fetchingly to frame the face.
Judging by the look of hilarity/incredulity on the faces of passers-by when I
dress my puppy Heidi in a sparkly bandana, it is unlikely that many of these
trends will catch on with the more conservative breed of dog owners on this
side of the Atlantic.
But if your spoilt bitch starts demanding
the latest "It" wear you don't have to travel to the States.
We have our own canine couturier over here, believe it or not - SnazzyDogz in
Bangor.
Taking mickey out of Albert
In the UK, poking fun at the royal family is one of our nation's favourite
pastimes. Comedians have built entire careers out of royal irreverence while
popular TV shows like Have I Got News for You draw much hilarity from
lampooning the House of Windsor.
But if comics like Rory Bremner
and Ohmid Jahlili were to turn their attention abroad, they might have
difficulty raising a laugh.
It seems Prince Albert of Monaco had a
sense of humour bypass recently when a political satirist dared to take the
mickey out of him online.
Marc Giacone was arrested after his "
Monaco Politic Circus" website made fun of the Prince, assorted
politicians and an Archbishop and was then interrogated for seven and a half
hours by police who are believed to have suspected the cartoonist was
involved in a plot to damage the monarchy.
The offending website
was shut down within days, he was sacked from his day job as a cathedral
organist and now faces the likelihood of six months in prison and a hefty
fine.
And what was Giacone's unspeakable crime, I hear you say? He
published a photograph of His Serene Highness Albert, with a red nose
superimposed onto it.
Food bribery is sprout of order
As a child I was forced to eat Brussels sprouts once by nuns who towered
above me in the school refectory and remained there until each revolting,
overcooked, mushy, stinking last one of them was cleared from my plate.
I kept gagging because they were so repulsive and so it took quite a while.
By the time the ordeal was over I was traumatised for life and have never been
able to face a sprout since.
And I've certainly never made my kids
eat anything they don't like. Fortunately they love vegetables - remarkably
they even love sprouts - so it has never been a problem getting "five a
day" into them.
But apparently they are unusual in that
regard.
In fact, it has become such a problem down South that the
Irish government is introducing a scheme which literally bribes kids to eat
their greens.
Under the Food Dudes programme, which starts at the
beginning of the new term in 250 Irish primary schools, children have to
finish the fruit and veg on their plate for 16 consecutive days.
If they manage it they are rewarded with prizes such as pencil cases and
lunch boxes. Trials undertaken at an Irish university resulted in a 10-fold
increase in the longterm fruit and veg consumption of many of the kids who
took part.
It will be interesting to see if it works. As for me, I
wouldn't eat a sprout for all the pencil cases in Ireland.
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