Belfast Telegraph

Thursday 28 August 2014

'Dear Class of '90, this year has been pretty exciting for me, with several of my movie projects really taking off...'

Dear Class of '90. This is my second New Year "round-robin" letter and I hope it will become something of a tradition from now on - a bit like the British Queen and her Christmas message. Just more interesting.

As most of you know from last year, I have moved to the UK, become pretty famous, have a very popular column in a daily newspaper and am engaged to a British aristocrat. Oh, and I had a son as well - Humboldt-Fog - who is set to be even better looking than his dad. This year has been a pretty exciting one for me with several of my movie projects really taking off. There is a drug and drink-damaged singer here called Amy Winehouse (great name, huh? Like totally apt) and I am producing the biopic of her life. It's got everything a good movie needs - a scumbag boyfriend who is in jail, the tragic drunk starlet and... well that's about it really, but they do a lot of drinking and partying and there's a great sex scene in a tattoo parlor where we have a good joke as the place is full of pictures of Britney Spears getting her tattoo done.

Weirdly this really seems to have been the year of the drunk chick. Lindsay, Paris, Nicole, Mischa, Britney, Amy... What's happened to all the dudes? New Year's resolution for you guys: start drinking again and let's get the chicks back into the bedrooms where they belong. I got on to this bandwagon quicker than anybody else as I started doing a biopic about Paris Hilton but we got into legal problems and had to spike the project. Maybe now that her grandfather has given all his money to charity rather than let her squander it on home movies we can restart as she might not have the cash-flow that she had before? Whatever. There's loads of projects in the pipeline and 2008 looks very good from where I'm sitting.

Personal-wise, I had a little bit of an upset this year. Without going into too much detail, I was caught banging our Ukrainian (ex-Russia) nanny (doggy-style) by Victoria. This didn't go down too well and we had a temporary separation. Looking back on things I now realise that this was probably for the best as it allowed me to get my headspace together and realise what was important to me. I got a new Maserati Quattroporte, the most beautiful car in the world. It has a personalised computer that can hold up to 10,000 tracks and I can even write my columns on it and email them from wherever I am - how cool is that? Anyway, Victoria came back and we are happier than ever. Although the nanny was sent back to the Ukraine.

This year I have also partied with the cream of British society. I've hung out with the royal Princes, Rod Stewart, seen Led Zeppelin, had a bit of a tussle with Prince and laughed at Lionel Ritchie. The Cooperman is right at the centre of British popular culture and my only way is up.

The difference between here and the US is that it's very easy to dominate the national news agenda. Everything happens in London, so if you're where it's at (as I am), then you're always at the heart of the story. Sadly, when Victoria and I reconciled it was in time for Christmas so I had to spend it out of the loop, at her folks' place in Wiltshire. It's a huge country estate and it's all very aristocratic but there's no "scene" down there and I find it quite isolating as nobody knows who I am. I guess that's part of Victoria's plan, to mould a new me?

We went straight from Wiltshire up to Scotland, where we spent the New Year in a huge castle owned by Victoria's uncle. We were there for an annual shoot where everybody gets totally bombed and then goes out and blasts away at feathered things with unbelievably expensive shotguns. It's actually a pretty cool scene as everything is done for you - huge breakfasts served by dudes in dresses (Scotch working folk dress in kilts and you're supposed to act like it's totally normal). Everybody drinks champagne for breakfast and then, when you're loaded enough, you're given a hipflask full of whisky and taken out to shoot at birds that are "beaten" out of the trees by more Scotch working dudes in dresses (mental note: if reincarnation exists, never come back as a Scotch working dude, it's not a great life).

When we have a huge pile of dead birds in front of us we go and have lunch. In the afternoon, for those who want to (that's me, trigger-happy Coop) you get given a kind of sniper's rifle and you go off shooting deer (like moose). A Scotch guy (no dress this time) comes with you and you have to get upwind because, to the hind (the female deer), you stink. Then you crawl around before blasting the beast to Kingdom come. Tomorrow we go fishing. I'm surprised that there are any animals left in Scotland.

So anyway, I'm off the party scene right now. But fear not, I'll be back in the fray this year. I hope all you guys are staying cool and not too pissed at my success. Those of you who voted me "most likely to go to jail" weren't wrong, but you just left out the second act... The Cooperman is the new King of the UK and long may I reign. My resolutions for 2008 are: make a hit movie, make lots and lots of money, become more famous, buy a big house and get a TV show. I bet you all this comes to pass. The Cooperman is on a roll and you'd be crazy to bet against him. Cooper Out (that's my catchphrase).



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