Belfast Telegraph

Thursday 2 October 2014

'We're bang in the middle of some impressive bedroom gymnastics when the door opens. It's Victoria'

The Cooperworld has come crashing down in flames... I guess I flew too near the sun and finally got burned... big time. It was all the Ukrainian's fault - Kasya, our sexy, hot nanny. She's been with us since H-F's birth, and he adores her. He's much more comfortable with her than with Victoria, and I think she knows it. So Victoria suddenly announces that she wants to be much more hands-on with H-F, and that she's given Kasya a month's notice.

I'm furious, not just because I know that this "new mom" stage will only last a couple of weeks at best, but, more importantly, because I've been banging Kasya for the last month and I'm almost in love with the substitute mother of my son. (I know this is all starting to sound a bit like an average day in the life of Catherine Townsend, but stick with me, it gets worse.)

Finding out that Kasya didn't have long to live with us was a huge blow. It makes life a lot easier when you have a live-in lover in your marital home. It's kind of like being a Muslim without having to go and blow up shit. You just get the fringe benefits of a choice at home.

Victoria went off to yoga and I went to see Kasya in her room. She was very upset and one thing lead to another and we were soon down to some risky business. She is one seriously hot chick and I was always surprised that she got in under the Victoria radar. It's a peculiarly British class thing that they refuse to believe that anyone could find foreign staff sexually attractive - great news for me.

Anyway, we're bang in the middle of some quite impressive bedroom gymnastics when the door opens. It's Victoria, who has forgotten her yoga pants and wants to know where Kasya has put them... It's like a scene from a movie, a terrible, awful movie that makes lots of money because it's got this gorgeous, naked Ukrainianin it. We all stand, or kneel in Kasya's case, staring at each other. There's about 10 seconds of terrible silence and then Victoria goes totally mental and starts screaming and crying and throwing Kasya's stuff out of the window. Her notice period has just been severely shortened.

Kasya grabs some clothes and runs out, never to be seen again. Meanwhile, Victoria punches me in the mouth and then goes to our bedroom and starts packing her stuff. She's totally shut down after her brief un-English outpouring of emotion, and refuses to talk or even look at me. I'm pretty embarrassed and still a little horny, and these are a very bad combination. I try to make light of the situation and even go for a hug, but she's totally zombie-like.

Ten minutes later, she's got everything of hers into two bags and she walks out the door without a word. I sit on my couch for about an hour, totally naked, staring into space, and then decide that I'm pretty sure she'll come back. I ring Ben. He comes round within half an hour, having popped in to see Pablo. So Ben!

Twenty minutes later, I've cheered up and ring Hugh Grant. If anyone can help me with this kind of embarrassing sexual bust-up, he can. He's a bit non-committal, and I know that Pablo is making me blather on a touch, but I need the support and we eventually agree to meet that evening. I'm hoping that his advice is not just to go on Jay Leno and look contrite and British.

Ben wants to know where Kasya has gone, as I might as well use what could be a temporary window to get her out of my system. So Ben! I tell him that this might not be the best of ideas, but I suddenly get a vision of her breasts in my mind and I can't get rid of it, and eventually have to sneak away to rub one out to calm down.

Ben goes and gets a takeaway from Carluccio's, but we're not really hungry so we sit and watch The A-Team on the plasma instead, and have a think about stuff. Ben's not comfortable with too much thinking and so we soon decide to head off to The Cow, where most of my area's all-day drinkers regularly assemble.

As I'm on the way there, I notice that the sticker lady has covered my car yet again. The new ones read: "Big head, tiny dick, this man will kill your animals." At times like these, it's actually quite comforting to know that there are people out there more mentally unstable than yourself. I leave it and walk on by.

We spend a good four hours in the pub talking to the two hot Albanian girls who waitress there. I ask them whether they want to meet Hugh Grant, but they've never heard of him. I like them even more and get their phone numbers. I'm enjoying single life already - this won't be too bad.

Three hours later and I'm crying like a girl in front of a slightly uncomfortable Hugh Grant in the Electric. He tells me to pull myself together and then stays silent for quite a long time - Hugh's no Ben in these situations. He's more like Victoria, if the truth be known. I'm tired suddenly... so goddam tired...

I tell Hugh that I'm going home, and he looks quite relieved. I get back to the Cooperdome and lean against the closed front door. I'm listening for the answering machine bleep... yes... it's there. I hit the button and it's a message from Habitat. They'll be delivering our new bed tomorrow...

I hit the floor weeping and wailing... Cooper's been a stupid boy... out...



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