Belfast Telegraph

Monday 21 April 2014

Hillary the terminator and other predictions for 2013

Iron lady: US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in Belfast earlier this month

Global outrage as stone hurled by schoolgirl disguised as a schoolgirl almost hits Israeli tank protecting innocent civilians from hate-crazed killers arrogantly residing for literally generations in a Biblically-designated Arab-Free Zone.

"Sling-Shot Samira" among dozens to perish in ensuing air-strikes. "The United States stands for peace," says Hillary Clinton in Belfast. "We condemn terrorists deliberately living in their homes using families as human shields. We urge Palestinians to commit to non-violent methods and servitude, otherwise they'll have to be exterminated for the sake of democracy they can't say they weren't warned."

"What a wonderful woman," comments a spokesperson for constitutional nationalism, responsible trade unionism and official feminism, "to have brought peace to Our Troubled Land.

"Wouldn't it only be brilliant if she becomes the next president?"

G8 summit results in the death through toxic pollution of all fish, tadpoles and frail tourists in the Lakes of Fermanagh.

Wild lamentation at news that the Duchess of Cambridge has stubbed her toe. Taoiseach Enda Kenny orders three days national snivelling: "The time is long gone when we couldn't bate the Brits at kow-towing to Royals."

Scottish Football Association lauds fans of runaway Third Division leaders making Ibrox ring with song of praise for cross-community kindness: "Oh, the Pope he had a pimple on his bum/And it nipped, nipped, nipped so sore/Along came King Billy/And rubbed it with a lily/And it nipped, nipped, nipped no more." Derry votes by bigger majority than the unionist minority ever amassed to change town's name from Stroke City to Soak City.

At rally in Ballygombeen, a Quinn weeps in long-suffering, photogenic sort of way after conviction for ripping off the revenue for a couple of billion, thus deepening the Republic's debt leading to sharper pain for the old, the sick and the destitute.

"Let us ask ourselves." suggests GAA celebrity Paidin Mac Giolla Slaibheen, "what have the old, the sick and the destitute ever done for the lovely Quinn girls, eh?"

"There is absolutely no doubt dinosaurs roamed the earth at the same time as humans," declares Nelson McCausland. "In fact, our party was sired by a dinosaur."

As Benedict XVI arrives for pastoral visit, concern ripples through ranks of religious that Bruce Springsteen jammed the RDS for three nights last summer, while the Eucharistic Congress only half-filled the arena on a Sunday afternoon.

Disparity widely ascribed to nobody these days being willing to trust a word said by the Catholic Church. Pope prays to St Jude, patron saint of hopeless cases, for return to piety. "Look," says Jude, "There's hopeless cases and hopeless cases, but I'm not a bloody miracle-worker."

Amnesty International protests as Rebecca Brooks sent to a jail where they shave women's hair off.

After Budget cuts announced in Assembly, Sinn Fein explains: "It would be irresponsible to bring down the coalition.

"If we didn't take the hard decisions, money would be withheld by people outside who control the purse-strings. That would mean deeper cuts. There is no alternative."

Public inquiry ordered after allegations that a community job in east Belfast was advertised before being allocated. After Budget cuts announced in Dail, Labour explains: "It would be irresponsible to bring down the coalition. If we didn't take the hard decisions, money would be withheld by people outside who control the purse-strings. That would mean deeper cuts. There is no alternative."

Irish News publishes pictures of everybody in Northern Ireland, asking anybody who knows anything about any of them to tell the PSNI everything. "We must defend due process and independent journalism," says editorial. Gerry Adams, who was never in the IRA, announces Sinn Fein cross-border march under slogan: "We say cut back! We say fight back!"

All-party unity as MLAs crush proposal to make Eamon Friel's Here Is The River new northern anthem. "Up the street a ragged flag still pinned/On a lamp post flounders in the wind/No salutes are given or returned/Burn them all when all the flags are burned/All the emblems and the anthems too/Then I'll salute the flag of me and you."

"A profound insult to the two traditions which the Agreement requires us to uphold," declares Hamilton O Muircheartaigh. As tension rises over Dail vote on threat to right of old men to tell young women what to do with their bodies, Cardinal Sean O Bradaigh spells out official Catholic position: "The Church has consistently argued and Pope Benedict has confirmed that it is a mortal sin to abuse a child before it is born."

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