Belfast Telegraph

Thursday 18 September 2014

If it’s the end of the world, let’s enjoy it

Repent! The end of the world is nigh! Very nigh, in fact. If the ancient Mayan predictions are correct, Doomsday is scheduled for next Friday, December 21st.

So stop what you're doing and start praying because we're all on a one way ticket to meet our maker.

Now you can scoff all you like but it seems that the Mayans were pretty good at predicting stuff. Their knowledge and understanding of astronomy and physics was light years ahead of their time. Indeed they accurately (and incredibly) charted every lunar and solar eclipse and most major celestial events for hundreds of years hence using nothing but observation and calculation.

All of which suggests the fact that their 5,125 year calendar just sort of stops on 21/12/12 is unlikely to be because they just ran out of ink. Or because the Mayan Calendar Department went for their Christmas do and got so drunk they just forgot to finish it.

They obviously knew something we don't and they just forgot to tell us exactly what it was. The world is going to end. End of. We're not sure why, not sure how, but if the Mayans said it then it must be true. Get over it.

Personally, my money's on a collision with an asteroid like that film with Bruce Willis while my kids think a zombie apocalypse like in the Walking Dead would be cool. Either way, it's only a few days away now so it's probably time to make a few arrangements.

Of course, having an Armageddon right at the start of your Christmas holidays isn't very festive and I hate to be the bearer of this tad of bad news, so being a glass-half-full type I'd like to point out some of the positive ‘plus sides’ to the End of Days.

For a start, think of all the money you'll save. You can stop your Christmas shopping right now and just chillax for the remaining week. How about even unwrapping the best ones and enjoying them yourself? Go on ... you're worth it! Besides, what have you got to lose?

Also telly's usually good in the run-up to Christmas so there'll be plenty to watch on the box whilst you're eating Auntie Teresa's box of Quality Street and knocking back your mother-in-law's bottle of Baileys.

That frozen turkey will be defrosted by Monday so you'll have enough to keep you going without having to pop out to the shops. No need to stand on ceremony either, under the present circumstances. Just bung it in the oven until it looks ready and forget all about Delia-style decorum.

Bread sauce? Yuck, who needs it? Sprouts? Ewww. I'll have Heinz Beans with mine, please. Who wants a leg? Here, catch!

Electricity bills will soon become a thing of the past — along with everything else, including the future — so you can leave the central heating on 24/7 and get all lovely and toastie in time for the big bang.

And don't even think about going in to work this week. Who cares if they sack you, if the entire planet will soon be redundant anyway? Heck, tell your boss where to stick his Christmas bonus and steal the Secret Santa box on your way out. Bah Humbug!

So basically, my failsafe plan for the Christmas cataclysm is to just eat, drink and be merry. You're a long time dead after all, so let's carpe the heck out of this diem!

Two things you should bear in mind, though, before you begin this marathon morality meltdown. Do remember to leave some time to repent and atone for your sins, just in case there is a God after all. As a Catholic, I always find a quick visit to the confessional will suffice. Depending on the proximity of your nearest church, this could take upwards of an hour, allowing for the probable breakdown of law and order on the streets (in the case of an impending asteroid) and general carnage (if it's zombie-related). Traffic may be bad too.

Also, do have a back-up plan should you awake on Saturday morning and life is still going on against all odds. At the very least be prepared to look for a new job. Jobfinder is in Friday's Tele, so you could kill two birds with one stone and read that whilst you're waiting.

And so farewell, dear readers. It's been emotional. Now go to your homes. Be with your loved ones. And may your God go with you ...

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