Is Katie paying Price with so few star wedding guests?
Just one week to go before Katie “Anything For a” Price’s latest wedding and I can hardly wait! I’m expecting my invite in the post any day now ... You think I’m joking don’t you?
Well apparently so many famous friends have turned down her invitations that she’s getting desperate. I mean, how humiliating if only her genuine friends and family should turn up. Who’s going to want to read all about it then, or gawp at the, ahem, solemnities on primetime TV? After all, that’s what marriage is all about, surely, one great big mega-buck money-spinning publicity stunt?
So far, it seems that the only “celebrities” to have RSVP’d are the reality TV reject Michelle Heaton, the reality TV reject Danielle Lloyd and the reality TV reject Emma B, whose constant appearances in the paparazzi tabloids could have given rise to the nickname the “Basildon Bond Babes”. Well, it seems that this tawdry trio would happily go to the opening of an envelope.
Meanwhile Katie’s husband/husband-to-be Alex Reid isn’t having much luck pulling the in-crowd either. He can’t even get any of his reality TV reject mates to accept. Not Vinnie, not Sisqo, not even the ubiquitous Baldwin bloke who was his Big Brother best buddy.
Now rumour has it that the crew from ITV2 who are filming the whole shebang for our, ahem, viewing pleasure are starting to get a bit edgy because everyone whose anyone won’t be there.
Simon Cowell? Too busy with X Factor. Davina McCall? Too busy with Big Brother. Philip Schofield & Holly Willoughby? Too busy with This Morning. Dane Bowers and Gareth Gates? Too busy, er, washing their hair.
So it seems that times they are a-changing — at last — and Katie and Alex may not be the dream team they thought they were after all. They’re certainly no Katie & Peter that’s for sure. And by God what an obnoxious couple they were.
Of course, I’m wondering whether this could indicate a turning point in popular celebrity worship culture. Have we just about had enough of the shallow, self-obsessed shenanigans of the Kerrys and the Jades and the Katies? Has the paying public finally had enough of the round-the-clock coverage of neurotic nonentities sharing their sordid secrets to the world and his wife? I seriously hope so.
I know, I know, I sound like I’m revelling in their apparent downturn in popularity. But that’s only because I am.
In the meantime, just in case they do manage to fill the aisles and my invite goes into the shredder, here are some of my predictions for the big event ...
Katie will arrive bareback on a white horse, wearing a long cascading wig carefully concealing her bare breasts like Lady Godiva. She will be naked apart from a pair of rhinestone-studded jodhpurs and stiletto riding boots from her own “Equestrian-Slapper” range.
Her kids will follow behind on Shetland ponies — one dyed pink and one dyed blue. Princess Tiaami, as chief bridesmaid, will have been dressed to look just like her mummy, in a silver tutu and fishnets complete with false eyelashes, nails and hair extensions to complete the look.
The procession will stop on the way into the “secret venue” (leaked to the press a day earlier) to be photographed holding and/or consuming assorted brand products to fulfil all their lucrative endorsement commitments before moving indoors where they will be met by some other C-lister who has agreed to give the bride away for a fee of £100 and a free crate of Bacardi Breezers.
Alex Reid will be dressed in a white rhinestone-studded tuxedo jacket and matching fishtail-gown. Both bride and groom will have been freshly Tangoed orange and will smile with ultra-violet teeth to a congregation including That Woman off the Oxo adverts, Jackiey Goodie, J.R Hartley and someone off Come Dine With Me.