Belfast Telegraph

Sunday 21 December 2014

Madonna takes the passion out of dating

You’ve got to hand it to Madonna: she sure knows how to romance a guy.

Now that the worst-kept secret in the showbiz world — namely that Madonna’s marriage to Guy Ritchie is over pending divorce and that she and the NY Yankees player Alex Rodriguez are getting close — details have started to emerge about how the prima donna of pop goes about the business of finding a new partner. And I mean “business”. Flip charts, key demographics, brain-storming, envelope-pushing, the lot.

Fans of the Apprentice will love this.

Apparently she has devised her own “five-point plan” to test whether Rodriguez really is the one for her. And, boy-oh-boy, he must be keen to have gone through with what seems like an interview process from Hell:

1. To test reliability: Madonna has been keeping a record of calls from “A-Rod” and has cross-referenced these against the times he has promised to call her. So far, so good. Alex always calls when he says he is going to (unlike Guy, according to “friends”) so he can now move on to stage two ...

2. Religious commitment: Alex caught Madonna’s eye initially by professing to share her interest in the religious sect known as the Kabbalah. So out came the Mastermind chair and the spotlight as Madonna tested Alex on his specialist chosen subject. This included scrutinising the depth of his faith as well as his knowledge and interpretation of a random selection of Kabbalah texts.

Gulp. He actually did “remarkably well”, although I suspect he was probably cramming for days beforehand.

3. Attitude to money: As both she and Rodriguez are vastly wealthy, Madonna feels that a shared attitude towards it is of vital importance if the relationship is to go further. Thankfully, they agreed that “just because you earn a lot of money, it doesn't have to mean you give it all away to your siblings”.

You’re almost there, Alex! Now onto phase 4 ...

4. Observational skills in relation to her: To test this she asked him to describe in detail exactly what she was wearing, including jewellery, on the first three times they met. It is not known how long she gave him to complete this task, or whether she allowed him to consult Google Images or Heat magazine back-copies, but Alex passed this one with flying colours.

Now for the deal-clincher...

5: Fame: Lastly, she spoke to him at length about what he felt about being public with someone a lot more famous than himself. Of course he gave the right answer — that he saw her “as a spiritual being and not a famous person”.

It also seems to have helped his campaign that like her he is also a bit of a fitness freak. In addition to his now proven qualities, he has demonstrated commitment by purchasing a penthouse suite next to Madonna’s in New York and is now planning to build a his-and-hers gym close by for their own private use. Furthermore, he has all the physical attributes she is looking for in a man, describing the blue-eyed, swarthy-skinned hunk as a “perfect specimen”.

So now the honey-tongued charmer is finally ready to start dating him, ideally with a view to producing a “biological child”. (As opposed to what, Madonna? A non-bio one?)

And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Sir Alan Sugar is brought on board to co-ordinate and oversee the whole process...Grilling: Madonna

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