Trust the red tops to know what presses our buttons. Forget about the Euro referendum and flegs, the real story centred on 'Blonde Waitress' Courtney Webb, known for some reason as CJ.
CJ, you see, had a one night - well strictly speaking one hour - stand with One Direction's Zayn Malik after being invited back to his swish London pad following a party.
However, the fair maiden learned that Zayn was a bounder and a cad when he rang her a cab straight after their encounter. No snuggles, no 'when can I see you again', no nothing.
Of course, Zayn's apparent attempts to film her on his mobile during sex should have tipped her off that she wasn't dealing with Cary Grant.
As it turned out, she never got the taxi as they both fell asleep. And it was only later that she began to notice the tell-tale signs of Zayn's girlfriend, Little Mix's Petrie Edwards. Apparently she spotted her fake eyelashes lying around.
I suppose it could be worse. What if she'd sighted a padded bra or spot cream or a big pair of Spanx?
You see, despite the fact they had sex beneath a portrait of Perrie and the 1D singer's romance with the Little Mix-er has made headlines for weeks, SHE DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND until, acting on her suspicions, she Googled him.
Naturally she is disgusted by his behaviour and pities Perrie.
Modern love, eh.