Why it’s the breast of times to obsess over a couple of swells
C’mon, has she or hasn’t she? Here’s new pictures of her going to the gym. Mmmm, let’s weigh up all the options.
Now leer, sorry, look carefully. Could it be our old friend the crafty camera angle? A push up bra? Chicken fillets? Nah, you wouldn’t wear either of those for a workout. General weight loss, making them look bigger? But then, we students of this subject know people lose weight all over so ... what could it mean? Beats me, but let’s hope someone can settle the argument over whether Renee Zellweger has had a boob job.
After all, we’re still considering whether Christine Bleakley has boosted her assets. Talk about the pictures of her in bikinis that we’ve had to ponder; those paparazzi shots of her lying down, posing this conundrum: do her breasts look fuller than we first suspected (’cos we dwell on these matters a lot) and were they too perky in such a prone position? And if she has had surgery, what could it mean for her relationship, her new ITV job and, er, the peace process?
Meanwhile, also currently under scrutiny on the alleged ‘secret boob job’ front: Sarah Palin, Nicole Kidman, Hilary Duff, Kate Hudson, Kate Gosselin and Kylie. We’re not sure what these could mean either but it varies from post-childbirth body issues to post-cancer reconstructive surgery to running for the presidency.
Meanwhile, tennis star Simona Halep has admitted to a breast reduction op but we didn’t dwell on that because we knew straight away it was to help her play sport better. Anyway pretty young women who don’t like their curves aren’t as interesting.
Not so with Ulrika Jonsson who had similar surgery. Keen observers of this former ladette’s chest area, we weren’t at all sure when she first went under the knife. Now we’re back trying to look down her top because she’s lost a lot of weight, hinting at ongoing ‘issues’ and we’re worried about what that might mean. For her, of course.
And then there’s all the other talking points. As if Kelly Brook’s naked billboard ad isn’t distracting enough, she’s admitted her breasts sag, just a little, because they’re real. Though we know they’re real because all summer we’ve stared at pics of her in bikinis with captions telling us she’s an ‘all natural’ beauty. Still, if they sag too much ... what could it mean?
Elsewhere on Planet Breast. Equalities minister Lynne Featherstone wants us to emulate Christina Hendricks’ curves. Denise van Outen stops breast feeding because she doesn’t want to be papped while doing so. Wag Alex Curran regrets her boob job aged just 18, taking her from a B to D cup. (But we’ve looked at them and we don’t think it was a mistake.) Kelly Rowland’s glad she waited 10 years until she was 27 before going from an A to a B. “That’s 10 years I was like ‘I hate this top’, it does not fit,” she says. We know what she means.
But reassuring news from Cyprus where Kym Marsh sports a bikini to show that one year on from surgery she is (still) happy with the boob job (34B to 34D). Maybe that might encourage X Factor’s Lucie Jones who is too scared to have a boob job. Or she could have the new ‘boob job lite’, a non-surgical laser treatment. Or buy the new miracle bra from Ann Summers.
Enough! Like Edwardian explorers in the Antarctic dazzled by all that snow, I'm in danger of going boob blind. Everywhere you look, there they are. Seriously, can we just get it over with and have a special ‘breast news’ section on TV, radio and in papers. Or 12-page ‘boob’ supplements. Phwoar, look at the arguments on that!
But let’s drop the cod psychology. Let’s not pretend our breast obsession's really about breast versus bottle, body issues, personal happiness and other nonsense.
For all the talk about female empowerment, the sad but boring truth about our booby-trapped culture is that it's still a man’s world. Men like to look at ’em so women like to talk about them. A lot.
The breast of both worlds, in fact