Belfast Telegraph

Tuesday 23 September 2014

By George, we've gone raving mad over birth of the new royal baby

Future king: the royal baby

Well, I think we can all agree that we live in a very different world today to the one we inhabited last week. I can certainly confirm that I've spent most of this week inspired to climb every mountain, follow every rainbow and, um, ford every stream. And I think it's pretty obvious why those prisoners who so dramatically broke out of Abu Ghraib on Sunday were so desperate to get to a TV screen.

It doesn't take 10 newspapers, 15 magazines, five UK news channels and a woman in the bus queue to point out that the flowers are brighter, the sky is more blue and we are all lighter on our feet now that the new prince has been delivered on to us in what ex-Catholic Herald editor Cristina Odone called Kate and William's "global triumph". "England is the best place on earth today," Cristina opined on Monday. Or, in the changed media world in which breathless exclamation has become news fact, she asserted in an unchallengeable proclamation.

I have, of course, gorged on every detail of the historic birth and these are my favourite 'facts' published this week about Prince George, his people and the New World that we are all now beaming citizens of:

Everyone in Britain is joyful and proud of the new Windsor, who, if he follows his grandfather and his father on to the throne, will be the 43rd monarch since William the Conqueror.

The new prince was almost called James. Or Henry. Or Michael. Or Philip. Or Charles. Or Arthur. Possibly.

At 8lb 6oz, the latest Windsor is the heaviest heir to the throne to be born 'in recent years'. His father was 1lb 4oz lighter. Prince Charles was 1lb lighter. The newborn's weight is slightly above average but 'not eyebrow-raising'.

When the easel bearing the wonderful news arrived outside Buckingham Palace thousands of gathered well-wishers, representing all four corners of the globe, were united in a spontaneous cry of 'Hip hip hooray!'.

Dutch newspaper Algemeen Dagblad reported that "many Britons went completely out of their minds on hearing the news". (This has still to be scientifically confirmed.) The birth of the new heir made Kelly Osbourne feel "very proud to be British", while ex-Spice Girl Emma Bunton predicted "special times ahead" for the royal couple. Family Fortunes host Vernon Kaye also offered his congratulations.

Due to his being a sensitive Cancerian born on the cusp of Leo, the latest Windsor is destined to be "a leader whose name will be remembered for the rest of time" and who will "preside over an era of marvels", according to superstar astrologer Jonathan Cainer.

Rosy-cheeked adventurer Ben Fogle's sister went into labour around the same time as Kate Middleton but had a longer labour, inspiring Ben to say "Ouch!" on Twitter.

The royal infant has a yellow aura, which gives him a 'happy vibe'. However, he also has some blue and green energy which indicates prosperity (phew!).

Speaking more personally, I'm not a royal-watcher or a monarchist; more of a redistribution of wealth-endorsing socialist. But I'm also not a pathological misanthrope who holds a centuries-old system against a few innocuous beings, so I'm as happy for these new parents as I am of every parent taking home a baby this week. (And good on Kate for not hiding her post-baby bump – no celeb-standard instant tummy tuck for her). Back to Nigel Farage and Gidiot Osborne next week.

Hip hip... um... hooray!

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