I feel sorry for Dannii Minogue. No, hear me out.
She gave birth less than three months ago — three months! — but instead of congratulating herself for easing her tired, 38-year-old bones in and out of a dressing gown every day like most new mums, she’s been filming The X Factor, recording a new album, promoting her autobiography, working on her new fashion collection and modelling for Marks & Spencer.
Not content with this exhaustive schedule — which most new mothers would regard as about as manageable as completing an essay on War and Peace while receiving an epidural — she’s also ‘determined to get back to her size 4 figure’ and has reportedly restricted herself to a raw food diet and regular work-outs on the Power Plate.
Knackered little Dannii is also allegedly struggling with ‘post-baby hormones’, which are playing havoc with her emotions and making her hyper-sensitive right now. So it’s not a great time to be comparing her new-mum body with tiny Cheryl Cole’s. Or to have to move halfway around the world from her supportive mother.
Or to contend with the return of her nemesis, the formidable, plain-speaking Sharon Osborne, to the X Factor, a notion which allegedly ‘terrifies’ the confrontation-fearing Ms Minogue.
But hey, that’s how the other half live — like terrified, paranoid, sleep-hungry lunatics whose entire future is based on the precarious privilege of staying on Simon Cowell’s Christmas card list.