If your teenage daughter dreams of becoming a model, I must recommend the new series of Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model.
The aspiring models seem a relatively decent bunch this year which must be why the programme makers keep pitting them against each other, humiliating one at the expense of another. Whenever one baulks at an unnecessarily cruel putdown or public demotion, she's told she's not tough enough to be a model. The message seems to be that the modelling industry is unethical, vicious, irrational and exploitative and run by stupid and unpleasant people. If it's not your life's ambition to impress such people, you should butt out.
No trait is more cherished by this week's guests, designer Ian Stewart and superish model Jade Parfitt, than bitchiness. 'Channel your inner b***h!' yells Parfitt helpfully at an unsneering girl dressed as a bride. 'Be a diva b***h!' adds Ian, joining in the fun. 'Keep your head a bit higher, a bit more like a b***h,' suggests Parfitt. The obvious thing to do would be to throw a mobile phone at Jade and Ian – that's what Naomi Campbell would do – but the girls don't seem to have it in them.
Dannii Minogue gets frustrated when the contestants don't do exactly as she imagines she's telling them, but she's so inarticulate you can't blame them for turning out snaps in which their faces are less 'b***h' and more 'baffled'.
It's perfect viewing for aspiring supermodels. If they've got a brain in their head they'll save themselves just in time.