Belfast Telegraph

That’s rich, Mr Morgan

By Jane Graham

As a quick chat with David Attenborough would surely confirm, there are few mammals on planet Earth as odious and parasitical as Piers Morgan.

He is a grotesque, smug, charmless human who sweats obsequiously in the company of rich, famous people like his heroes Simon Cowell and Gordon Ramsey. So it was with amusement that I read his list of ‘must haves’ for his ideal woman in a fashion mag this month.

Morgan’s dream girl must be 31, always sober (one glass of champagne is all she needs), exude an air of serenity, dress in thigh high boots, a slinky red dress and ‘exceptionally expensive earrings’, possess ‘a mane of glorious length and colour’, not have a squeaky voice, wear red Chanel lipstick and ‘glide with perfect balance’.

Such are the simple, modest demands of the man with the facial features of a fat frog and the allure of a puddle of spit. Hasn’t he forgotten, ‘must be wholly motivated by money and access to celebrities’? Let’s keep it real Piers.

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