Maybe we should invite Kim Jong Un to Fermanagh for the G8. If only to take his mind off his current preoccupation — masterminding global annihilation.
Comrade Kim has been making extensive headlines of late with all sorts of threatening talk about how he means to take lumps out of the US and South Korea.
Experts suggest that all this big talk is just that. Big talk. It’s brinkmanship they say, and what the North Koreans really want, they say, is America at the negotiating table.
What the North Koreans have got thus far have been American Stealth bombers over South Korea. The US describes these sorties as “deterrence missions”.
But you can see how tensions are being ratcheted up all round. China, with some understatement, calls the situation “sensitive”.
And at the middle of the crisis is Kim himself. A thirtysomething bloke with bad hair and, by the look of it, a serious deep-fried noodle habit.
Reams of photographs have been released by the Pyongyang department of propaganda showing the Rotund Leader poring over maps and highlighting potential targets for North Korean nuclear attack.
The bad news for the citizens of Austin, Texas, is that they’re among those ringed in red. The good news is that — for now anyway — they’re out of range. Experts think that at a push Kim might be able to clip Alaska with one of his missiles but that’s about the height of it. Breathe easy, Austin. If not you, Anchorage...
Is it ever likely to come to a North Korean nuclear attack? Examining those many pictures of Kim in command during combat exercises you might not want to rule it out.
True, he looks foolish and silly and comical. He looks like a very large toddler in his granda’s great coat.
But tellingly none of the peak-capped army chiefs hanging on his every word appear to find him a figure of fun.
Pointing with a stick, peering through binoculars, sticking pins on a map... Kim postures and poses like the warlord he obviously yearns to be.
We are told that there is a Mrs Kim. How she whiles away the empty hours as her man wears himself to a frazzle, sabre-rattling and pointing to things on maps we do not know.
But how revealing those pictures are of her husband. For they don’t just show us one silly, strutting, pampered plonker.
They remind us how much conflict in this world, how much human suffering on a grand or localised scale, how much misery has been the direct result of too much testosterone. Of some inadequate twerp like Kim seizing the opportunity to act out his war games fantasies. And nobody around him willing or able to cry halt.
Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot.
Those are the big names. But there are so many low-level players too. They include our own self-appointed officers commanding, supreme leaders and brigadiers on all sides.
Give Kim Jung Un a beret, a bit of camouflage netting to wrap around his gub and an army ex-surplus jumper and he would blend right in with any of our many and varied ‘people’s armies’.
Compare, for example, weekend pictures from Lurgan of the masked man (whoever could that be?) giving an ‘oration’ (making a speech is too ordinary for these boys) and you see exactly the same pompous, prattish menace.
Buoyed up by their own sense of importance. Blinded by hatred and above all, driven by what they aim to get out of the conflict for themselves.
Clowns the lot of them. But dangerous, dangerous clowns.