Scary Donald may turn into Trump-lite by time he moves into White House ... but just be careful with the nuclear codes
Good news for anybody who voted for Donald Trump in the US election. Donald Trump got elected. Bad news for anybody who voted for Donald Trump in the US election. The Donald Trump who got elected might actually be Nick Clegg.
Proving the old rule that a week is a long time in politics, a mere seven days since he qualified for the keys of the White House, Mr Bombastic looks to have undergone some sort of time-lapse transformation.
The sort of thing you see in Davina McCall's new show This Time Next Year, where someone walks offstage, then reappears having lost 10 stone, or had a baby - seemingly in the brief interim.
Rowing back on his pre-election pledges, Donald now says re plans for the wall between himself and Mexico that he may just add a bit to the fence that's already there.
He won't be seeking jail for the Clintons either - "good people, good people". Or expelling all Mexican immigrants - "terrific people, terrific people".
As for "draining the swamp" in Washington, maybe just a wee spray of Febreze will do?
So, before we all lose the run of ourselves at the thought that something very alien has been elected to high global office, a little reassurance.
Donald Trump the non-politician appears to be learning very quickly how to become a bog standard (or, in his case, swamp standard) politician.
Breaking promises to those who voted for you? Tick.
Maybe even those who voted for him suspected that it might come to this. It often does. And not just in politics.
So often in life, we all like to think we have the answers to certain problems, but once we get our hands on the tiller and the chance to take the big decisions, suddenly it turns out to be a whole lot more complex than anticipated. And also requiring of considerable diplomacy.
America's first selfie-made president wasn't afraid to put the boot in on Twitter. But that will change. So will a whole lot of things, as he is sucked into the Oval Office machine.
So, his election is not the end of civilisation as we know it, because there are checks and balances in the system. Trump will not be allowed to nuke, say, northern Europe, just because someone in Dusseldorf has dissed him in a tweet. Despite what Hillary might have inferred during her campaign. (And, for the record, although being of a feminist ilk myself, I don't think it a major tragedy for, or insult to, womankind that Hillary didn't win. Hillary Clinton failed to get elected not because she was a woman; she failed to get elected because she was Hillary Clinton.)
Donald Trump will now be entrusted with the nuclear code, which is, granted, a worrying enough thought. But Mr President can't just go letting off nukes like a schoolboy with stink bombs.
My concern is not that Donald releases nuclear Armageddon, but that he might release the nuclear code. Donald strikes me as a boy who has difficulty keeping things to himself. What if he blurts out the code to, say, Vladimir during an upcoming tete-a-tete? "Great code, great code!"
And then the converse fear. What if he forgets it? This is a man who, you assume, has countless credit cards and countless PIN numbers to memorise. When the Cruise missiles are incoming, it might be a bit late to discover Donald can't remember the PIN for retaliation.
That aside, I think we can all calm down on the end of the world front. Those liberals against democracy protesting at his election in the US, especially.
It's early days, but I don't think Donald Trump is a horseman of the apocalypse.
And he may not even be the scary beast of his election campaign.
The White House regime is currently, as the Americans like to say, transitioning.
So, by the look of it, is Donald Trump.
US ice cream ad really could be Legendairy
I stayed up through the night to watch the American election on CNN. By the time it was finished, I was sick and tired of the same commercials they kept running in the ad breaks.
"Lebanon calling" ... some telecommunications company doing great things in Nigeria ... and an ad for a luxury ice-cream brand with a very English name.
As your woman licked her spoonful of salted caramel, a sultry voice intoned "London Dairy". Here, obviously, that would have to be: "Dairy. London Dairy."
Tele triumphs over city's bus lane lunacy
This newspaper has scored a welcome victory in forcing a reduction in fines in some of the 24-hour bus lanes of Belfast.
There is no issue more likely to prompt local drivers to spit feathers than the bus lanes of Belfast. And no wonder.
Hundreds of unsuspecting motorists travelling through town late at night have unwittingly strayed into 24-hour lanes and paid a heavy price.
The great lunacy, the iniquity, is that the buses don't even run 24 hours. Now, thanks to the Tele, a breakthrough. Like some of those buses, though, it was a long time coming.