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China state visit: We should have let Xi Jinping win Strictly Come Dancing

By Mark Steel

Published 23/10/2015

Xi Jinping and David Cameron will be in Manchester for the final day of the Chinese President's state visit to the UK.
Xi Jinping and David Cameron will be in Manchester for the final day of the Chinese President's state visit to the UK.

I expect the Government is worried after the state visit from the President of China that we weren’t quite grovelling enough.

George Osborne must be fretting – “We should have let him win Strictly Come Dancing” – while Cameron shakes his head and says, “My idea was to give him Joanna Lumley as a present.

“In return they might have agreed to buy the New Forest, instead we didn’t get so much as a panda.”

Iain Duncan Smith will demand that next time, instead of giving him a length of red carpet, we nail Tibetan monks to the floor so he can walk on them.

Theresa May will complain the premier should have been allowed to partner Wayne Rooney up front against Manchester City, and Jeremy Hunt probably wishes he’d read out the poem he’d written specially, that starts “O President Xi, even your wee, is wine finer than Jesus’s from Galilee.”

As usual the person who tried to really spoil the occasion was Jeremy Corbyn, who’s such an extremist communist that he insisted on complaining about the behaviour of communist China.

If he was a sensible moderate of the centre ground, he’d have donated his beard as a gift to the Chinese Communist Party and ignored the habit of sentencing people to death at mass rallies. Those rallies are a sign that China is becoming more liberal – it’s a nice touch to allow the masses to be involved, making the occasion a people’s execution.

According to Amnesty International, China executes more people than the rest of the world put together. And that’s just the sort of efficiency and high rates of productivity we need to aspire to if we’re to make British industry great again.

For too long the West has been prepared to trudge along, wiping out prisoners one at a time on Death Row with (eventually) lethal injections and cumbersome hangings, but the Chinese Communist Party have set a new standard, zapping them away dozens at a time, with a "can-do" spirit that makes them ideal for building our nuclear power plants.

They’re so imaginative with new technology that while constructing this power station they may develop a new efficient method of providing energy, which is to use the heat from all the Tibetan monks that set themselves alight in protest at the Chinese occupation.

Britain's Queen Elizabeth II (R) shakes hands with China's President Xi Jinping (L) at the royal pavilion on Horse Guards Parade in central London on October 20, 2015, during Xi's ceremonial welcome on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / CHRIS JACKSONChris Jackson/AFP/Getty Images
Britain's Queen Elizabeth II (R) shakes hands with China's President Xi Jinping (L) at the royal pavilion on Horse Guards Parade in central London on October 20, 2015, during Xi's ceremonial welcome on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / CHRIS JACKSONChris Jackson/AFP/Getty Images
China's President, Xi Jinping (L), accompanied by Prince Philip (behind, not pictured) reviews an honour guard on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Carl Court/Getty Images)
TOPSHOTS Members of the King's Troop Royal Horse Artillery ride into Buckingham Palace in central London on October 20, 2015 during the carriage procession as part of the ceremonial welcome for Chinese President Xi Jinping and his wife Peng Liyuan on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / TOBY MELVILLETOBY MELVILLE/AFP/Getty Images
A protester at The Mall in London, as Chinese President Xi Jinping and his wife Peng Liyuan arrive on the first day of their state visit to the UK. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Tuesday October 20, 2015. See PA story ROYAL China. Photo credit should read: John Stillwell/PA Wire
MoD handout photo of the Duke of Edinburgh and Chinese President Xi Jinping inspecting the troops at Horse Guards Parade, London, during the ceremonial welcome for the president on the first day of his state visit to the UK. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Tuesday October 20, 2015. See PA story ROYAL China. Photo credit should read: Sgt Rupert Frere/MoD Crown Copyright/PA Wire NOTE TO EDITORS: This handout photo may only be used in for editorial reporting purposes for the contemporaneous illustration of events, things or the people in the image or facts mentioned in the caption. Reuse of the picture may require further permission from the copyright holder.
Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn talks with the President of The PeopleÄôs Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping, on the first day of the President's state visit to the UK. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Tuesday October 20, 2015. See PA story ROYAL China. Photo credit should read: Yui Mok/PA Wire
President of The People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and China's First Lady Peng Liyuan, meet the Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall at Clarence House, London for China Tea on the first day of the President's state visit to the UK. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Tuesday October 20, 2015. See PA story ROYAL China. Photo credit should read: Eddie Mulholland/Daily Telegraph/PA Wire
President of The People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and China's First Lady Peng Liyuan, meet the Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall at Clarence House, London for China Tea on the first day of the President's state visit to the UK. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Tuesday October 20, 2015. See PA story ROYAL China. Photo credit should read: Eddie Mulholland/Daily Telegraph/PA Wire
President of The People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and China's First Lady Peng Liyuan, with Royal harpist Anne Denholm as they tmeet the Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall at Clarence House, London for China Tea on the first day of the President's state visit to the UK. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Tuesday October 20, 2015. See PA story ROYAL China. Photo credit should read: Eddie Mulholland/Daily Telegraph/PA Wire
Demonstrators outside Buckingham Palace in London ahead of this evening's state banquet to honour China President Xi Jinping on the first full day of his state visit to the UK. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Tuesday October 20, 2015. See PA story ROYAL China. Photo credit should read: Gareth Fuller/PA Wire
(Left to right) The Duke of Edinburgh, Queen Elizabeth II, Chinese President Xi Jinping, and his wife Peng Liyuan, view a display of Chinese items from the Royal Collection at Buckingham Palace in London, during the first day of the Chinese state visit. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Tuesday October 20, 2015. See PA story ROYAL China. Photo credit should read: Matt Dunham/PA Wire
Chinese President Xi Jinping during the ceremonial welcome on Horse Guards Parade for the Chinese President on the first day of his state visit to the UK. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Tuesday October 20, 2015. See PA story ROYAL China. Photo credit should read: Nick Ansell/PA Wire
The Duke of Edinburgh accompanies Chinese President Xi Jinping (left), as he inspects a Guard of Honour during the ceremonial welcome on Horse Guards Parade, London, for the President on the first day of his state visit to the UK. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Tuesday October 20, 2015. See PA story ROYAL China. Photo credit should read: Chris Jackson/PA Wire
Britain's Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, Britain's Prince Charles, Prince of Wales, China's President Xi Jinping and his wife Peng Liyuan pose as they meet for tea at Clarence House in central London on October 20, 2015, on the first official day of Xi's state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / EDDIE MULHOLLANDEDDIE MULHOLLAND/AFP/Getty Images
British opposition Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, (R) meets with China's President Xi Jinping at Buckingham Place in London on October 20, 2015, on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / YUI MOK / POOLYUI MOK/AFP/Getty Images
Britain's Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, (R) meets with China's President Xi Jinping at Buckingham Place in London on October 20, 2015, on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / YUI MOK / POOLYUI MOK/AFP/Getty Images
Britain's Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, (L) meets with China's President Xi Jinping at Buckingham Place in London on October 20, 2015, on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / YUI MOK / POOLYUI MOK/AFP/Getty Images
China's President Xi Jinping delivers a speech to lawmakers in the Royal Gallery in the Palace of Westminster in London on October 20, 2015, on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / DAN KITWOODDan Kitwood/AFP/Getty Images
Britain's Queen Elizabeth II reacts as she travels with Chinese President Xi Jinping to Buckingham Palace in London, in the horse-drawn Diamond Jubilee State Coach on October 20, 2015, following the Chinese president's ceremonial welcome on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / RICHARD POHLERICHARD POHLE/AFP/Getty Images
Britain's Queen Elizabeth II (L) shakes hands with China's First Lady Peng Liyuan (C) as Britain's Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh (2nd R) looks on at the royal pavilion on Horse Guards Parade in central London on October 20, 2015, during the Chinese president's ceremonial welcome on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / CHRIS JACKSONChris Jackson/AFP/Getty Images
Britain's Queen Elizabeth II and Chinese President Xi Jinping si aboard the horse-drawn Diamond Jubilee State Coach before travelling to Buckingham Palace in London on October 20, 2015, following the Chinese president's ceremonial welcome at Horse Guards Parade on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / CHRIS JACKSONChris Jackson/AFP/Getty Images
Britain's Queen Elizabeth II and Chinese President Xi Jinping travel in the horse-drawn Diamond Jubilee State Coach to Buckingham Palace in London on October 20, 2015, following the Chinese president's ceremonial welcome on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / YUI MOKYUI MOK/AFP/Getty Images
Britain's Queen Elizabeth II and Chinese President Xi Jinping travel in the horse-drawn Diamond Jubilee State Coach to Buckingham Palace in London on October 20, 2015, following the Chinese president's ceremonial welcome on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / YUI MOKYUI MOK/AFP/Getty Images
Britain's Prince Charles, Prince of Wales (L), and Britain's Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, look on at the royal pavilion on Horse Guards Parade in central London on October 20, 2015, during the Chinese president's ceremonial welcome on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / CHRIS JACKSONChris Jackson/AFP/Getty Images
Britain's Queen Elizabeth II (L) and China's First Lady Peng Liyuan look on at the royal pavilion on Horse Guards Parade in central London on October 20, 2015, during the Chinese president's ceremonial welcome on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / ALASTAIR GRANTALASTAIR GRANT/AFP/Getty Images
Britain's Queen Elizabeth II (R) shakes hands with China's President Xi Jinping (L) on Horse Guards Parade in central London on October 20, 2015, during Xi's ceremonial welcome on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / CHRIS JACKSONChris Jackson/AFP/Getty Images
An officer of the Grenadier Guards leans out of a file of Guardsmen to check their positions in the guard of honour on Horse Guards Parade in central London on October 20, 2015 ahead of the ceremonial welcome for Chinese President Xi Jinping and his wife Peng Liyuan on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / RICHARD POHLERICHARD POHLE/AFP/Getty Images
Chinese President Xi Jinping (L) inspects the guard of honour on Horse Guards Parade in central London on October 20, 2015 during the ceremonial welcome for Chinese President Xi Jinping and his wife Peng Liyuan on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / ALASTAIR GRANTALASTAIR GRANT/AFP/Getty Images
Chinese President Xi Jinping (C) inspects the guard of honour on Horse Guards Parade in central London on October 20, 2015 during the ceremonial welcome for Chinese President Xi Jinping and his wife Peng Liyuan on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / ALASTAIR GRANTALASTAIR GRANT/AFP/Getty Images
China's First Lady Peng Liyuan (C) greets dignitaries flanked by Britain's Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh (L), at the royal pavilion on Horse Guards Parade in central London on October 20, 2015, during the ceremonial welcome for Chinese President Xi Jinping and his wife on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / ALASTAIR GRANTALASTAIR GRANT/AFP/Getty Images
Chinese President Xi Jinping (C) and Britain's Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh (L) inspect the guard of honour on Horse Guards Parade in central London on October 20, 2015 during the ceremonial welcome for Chinese President Xi Jinping and his wife Peng Liyuan on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / RICHARD POHLERICHARD POHLE/AFP/Getty Images
Chinese President Xi Jinping (L) and Britain's Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh (back) inspect the guard of honour on Horse Guards Parade in central London on October 20, 2015 during the ceremonial welcome for Chinese President Xi Jinping and his wife Peng Liyuan on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / RICHARD POHLERICHARD POHLE/AFP/Getty Images
A protester carrying a Tibet flag is surrounded by activists holding a large Chinese flag on the Mall in central London on October 20, 2015 ahead of the carriage procession as part of the ceremonial welcome for Chinese President Xi Jinping and his wife Peng Liyuan on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / JACK TAYLORJACK TAYLOR/AFP/Getty Images
Armed police officers patrol in front of anti-Chinese government protesters positioned on the Mall in central London on October 20, 2015 for the carriage procession as part of the ceremonial welcome for Chinese President Xi Jinping and his wife Peng Liyuan on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / JACK TAYLORJACK TAYLOR/AFP/Getty Images
Chinese President Xi Jinping (L) and Britain's Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh (R) inspect the guard of honour on Horse Guards Parade in central London on October 20, 2015 during the ceremonial welcome for Chinese President Xi Jinping and his wife Peng Liyuan on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / CHRIS JACKSONChris Jackson/AFP/Getty Images
Wife of Chinese President Xi Jinping, Peng Liyuan (L) talks with Britain's Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall (R) as they leave a hotel in central London on October 20, 2015 on the first official day of a state visit. Chinese President Xi Jinping arrived for a four-day state visit as the government of Prime Minister David Cameron seeks stronger trade ties with the world's second-largest economy. AFP PHOTO / POOL / JUSTIN TALLISJUSTIN TALLIS/AFP/Getty Images
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: Prince William, Duke of Cambridge shakes hands with the China's President, Xi Jinping on the first day of the President's state visit on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of the Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Yui Mok - WPA Pool /Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: Pro-China and Tibetan independence activists demonstrate near Parliament ahead of a visit by China's President, Xi Jinping on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Carl Court/Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: Pro-China activist demonstrate near Parliament ahead of a visit by China's President, Xi Jinping on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Carl Court/Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: Pro-China and Tibetan independence activists demonstrate near Parliament ahead of a visit by China's President, Xi Jinping on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Carl Court/Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: A pro-China activist holds a Chinese flag as he demonstrates near Parliament ahead of a visit by China's President, Xi Jinping on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Carl Court/Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: A member of the Household Cavalry marches onto Horseguards Parade ahead of the Official Ceremonial Welcome for the Chinese State Visit on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the Peoples Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Chris Jackson - WPA Pool /Getty Images)
LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - OCTOBER 20: China's First Lady Peng Liyuan walks with Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, as they arrive at Buckingham Palace on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the Peoples Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Leon Neal - WPA Pool/Getty Images)
LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - OCTOBER 20: Chinese First Lady Peng Liyuan greets dignitaries during the official welcome ceremony at Horseguards Parade on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the Peoples Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Alastair Grant - WPA Pool/Getty Images)
LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - OCTOBER 20: Chinese President Xi Jinping inspects a guard of honour during the official welcome ceremony at Horseguards Parade on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the Peoples Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Alastair Grant - WPA Pool/Getty Images)
LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - OCTOBER 20: Spectators wait for Queen Elizabeth II and President of The People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping, to pass along The Mall after the ceremonial welcome on Horse Guards Parade on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the Peoples Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Yui Mok - WPA Pool/Getty Images)
LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - OCTOBER 20: Spectators wait for Queen Elizabeth II and President of The People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping, to pass along The Mall after the ceremonial welcome on Horse Guards Parade on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the Peoples Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Yui Mok - WPA Pool/Getty Images)
LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - OCTOBER 20: Spectators wait for Queen Elizabeth II and President of The People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping, to pass along The Mall after the ceremonial welcome on Horse Guards Parade on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the Peoples Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Yui Mok - WPA Pool/Getty Images)
LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - OCTOBER 20: Queen Elizabeth II and President of The People's Republic of China, Xi Jinping, ride in the Diamond Jubilee State Coach along The Mall after the ceremonial welcome on Horse Guards Parade for the Chinese President on the first day of his state visit to the UK on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the Peoples Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Yui Mok - WPA Pool/Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: Prime Minister David Cameron talks with Home Secretary Theresa May after greeting China's President, Xi Jinping, at an honour guard on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Carl Court/Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: Household Cavalry on Horseguards Parade ahead of the Official Ceremonial Welcome for the Chinese State Visit on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the Peoples Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Chris Jackson - WPA Pool /Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: A Pro-China supporter wears stickers with the Chinese flag on during a counter protest held nearby Amnesty International who are protesting against claims of a deterioration in human rights and censorship of the internet and media during a state visit by Chinese President Xi Jinping on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Ben Pruchnie/Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: Pro-China supporters perform a dragon dance infront of supporters of Amnesty International who are protesting against claims of a deterioration in human rights and censorship of the internet and media during a state visit by Chinese President Xi Jinping on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Ben Pruchnie/Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: A Pro-China supporter wears stickers with the Chinese flag on during a counter protest held nearby Amnesty International who are protesting against claims of a deterioration in human rights and censorship of the internet and media during a state visit by Chinese President Xi Jinping on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Ben Pruchnie/Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: A small girl waves a Chinese flag during a counter protest held by Pro-China supporters nearby Amnesty International who are protesting against claims of a deterioration in human rights and censorship of the internet and media during a state visit by Chinese President Xi Jinping on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Ben Pruchnie/Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: A man holds a scarf with the slogan "Free Tibet" on as supporters of Amnesty International protest against claims of a deterioration in human rights and censorship of the internet and media during a state visit by Chinese President Xi Jinping on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Ben Pruchnie/Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: A Pro-China supporter wears stickers with the Chinese flag during counter protest held nearby Amnesty International who are protesting against claims of a deterioration in human rights and censorship of the internet and media during a state visit by Chinese President Xi Jinping on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Ben Pruchnie/Getty Images)
LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - OCTOBER 20: The President of China, Xi Jinping, is driven to Horse Guards Parade for a ceremonial welcome on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the Peoples Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Toby Melville - WPA Pool/Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: Prime Minister David Cameron ties his shoe laces during the Official Ceremonial Welcome for the Chinese State Visit on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the Peoples Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Chris Jackson - WPA Pool /Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: Chinese President Xi Jinping reviews a Guard of Honour on Horseguards Parade during the Official Ceremonial Welcome for the Chinese State Visit on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the Peoples Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Chris Jackson - WPA Pool /Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: Queen Elizabeth II shakes hands with Chinese President Xi Jinping on Horseguards Parade during the Official Ceremonial Welcome for the Chinese State Visit on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the Peoples Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Chris Jackson - WPA Pool /Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: Pro-China supporters perform a dragon dance infront of supporters of Amnesty International who are protesting against claims of a deterioration in human rights and censorship of the internet and media during a state visit by Chinese President Xi Jinping on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Ben Pruchnie/Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: Pro-China supporters perform a dragon dance infront of a supporter of Amnesty International who is holding a sign with the slogan "stand up for the oppressed in China and Tibet". Amnesty International are protesting against claims of a deterioration in human rights and censorship of the internet and media during a state visit by Chinese President Xi Jinping on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Ben Pruchnie/Getty Images)
LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 20: Pro-China supporters perform a dragon dance infront of supporters of Amnesty International who are protesting against claims of a deterioration in human rights and censorship of the internet and media during a state visit by Chinese President Xi Jinping on October 20, 2015 in London, England. The President of the People's Republic of China, Mr Xi Jinping and his wife, Madame Peng Liyuan, are paying a State Visit to the United Kingdom as guests of The Queen. They will stay at Buckingham Palace and undertake engagements in London and Manchester. The last state visit paid by a Chinese President to the UK was Hu Jintao in 2005. (Photo by Ben Pruchnie/Getty Images)

Cameron insists he did discuss human rights in private with President Xi, and I’m sure he was very influential. He probably made such an impression that the President persuaded Cameron to execute people by firing squad, then send the family a bill for the bullet, so who says there’s no meaningful dialogue?

The Prime Minister explained how these discussions work: “The more we trade, the better placed we are to discuss human rights.” In that case we should try this method everywhere. To start with we can ask North Korea to run a couple of our industries – small ones to get started, such as water and the Premier League – and then we’ll be in an ideal position to chat to Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un about the way he starves people to death.

Then we can start a lively sword deal with Isis. If that goes well we can invite them to run our banks, which will make us suitably placed to point out we take a very dim view of their policy on massacring Christians.

This is one more example of how the Tories have occupied the centre ground of politics. They’ve become such pacifists that Cameron will surprise us in the debate about Syria by saying: “What they all need over there is some love. So I’ve invited all the factions to tea with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, then we’ll ask them all to present their business plan on Dragon’s Den and see if we can get a bit of trade started so we’ll be better placed to discuss human rights.”

To be fair to President Xi, he did say his government’s record on human rights leaves “room for improvement.” As he displayed such self-awareness, I hope Cameron said to him, “Oh Mr President, please don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Because it’s not the President’s fault if the laws in China leave room for improvement.

Hundreds of the country’s lawyers have just been put in jail for criticising the regime, so there’s a distinct shortage of expert advice for him to draw on. Cameron also insisted the Chinese government is becoming more liberal. One example of this growing political correctness is they’ve removed all mentions of democracy from text books in schools, with a directive to “Never allow statements that attack and slander party leaders and malign socialism to be heard in classrooms.”

Because when a teacher has to shout “WHAT have I told you about maligning socialism in the corridor?” things are moving in the right direction.

But there is, of course, still “room for improvement”. So hopefully the questions in maths lessons will soon include the following: what percentage of Guiyang province was rightfully jailed for slandering the Sports and General Fitness Secretary of Chenzhou North-West Region Communist Party’?

Not everyone will understand the benefits of this state visit - not least if they’re a steelworker about to be put out of work. But as the Prime Minister explained, the way to create employment is to ensure we have a strong economy.

And if we allow our industry to shut down, that will strengthen our economy beautifully, which will mean we have more jobs.

The best thing we can do, in fact, is  close down the entire country. Then we could all agree to work in clothes shops in China for 18 hours a day for 90 pence a week. We’ll all be extremely well off, and if any of us are jailed for slandering a party leader we’ll be perfectly placed to discuss our human rights.

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