Belfast Telegraph

Could Mears survive Stormont?

By Nuala McKeever

Police are wondering about the identity of a mysterious man who left a bottle of iced tea and two sticks on the steps of Stormont in the early hours of the morning last week.

The intruder was spotted wearing dark clothes and a straw hat.

Hmmm obviously it wasn’t Michael Stone since he’s in custody and anyway the buses don’t run at that hour of the night.

I reckon it was the TV survivalist Ray Mears. He never goes anywhere without making fire by rubbing one stick on another. And iced tea sounds just about fancy enough for his kind of tipple.

But why would he be hangin’ round the Hill? Well, he must’ve heard it was one of the UK’s last surviving wilderness areas — or is that only during debates on Ulster Scots?

This is a man who’s known for surviving on strange things that most people find unpalatable.

Perhaps he came hoping to digest our Education Minister’s proposals.

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