Belfast Telegraph

Thursday 2 October 2014

I don't eat horse burgers, so how come I'm the one covered in glue?

Please excuse the slowness of my typing this week, but I've just managed to spill a large splurt of superglue on to one of my hands, making finger-moving very difficult.

The instructions told me to pierce the top of the tube by screwing the whole lid tightly on to it. I did that several times but nothing was piercing nothing. So I removed the lid and pushed the pointy bit of it into the metal seal and managed to pierce it rightly. Unfortunately, superglue, like fleg protesters, knows no middle ground. It's either in the tube or all over the place. It went all over the place.

Luckily I was doing my spot of DIY in the kitchen so a tap of running water was close by and I was able to get the hand under water and prevent my fingers gluing together. That WOULD have been a real disaster!

As it is, it feels as if the skin's been burned. It's tight and taut and stingy. Bang goes my career as a hand model...

Like fleg protesters everywhere, I want someone or something to blame. So I blame the stupid tube and lid which didn't work the way the instructions said they should. It's all their fault!

(I have to pause every line or two to blow flakes of gluey skin off the keys of the laptop. Too much information? Sorry, I'm not in the mood to be considerate just now.)

Is the whole world teetering on a flimsy construct of misinformation, poor workmanship and outright lies? If it's not the glue tube being totally uncooperative, it's meat supplies that are contaminated with God knows what, or famous cyclists confessing to contaminating themselves with God knows what. Who can be trusted?

Funnily enough, the only ones who you can trust 100% are the fleg protesters. Yes, you can totally rely on them to be inarticulate, bigoted and without a shred of responsibility for their own lives. Brilliant.

As far as the horse burgers go, I'd say anyone eating cheap ranges of meat products like sausages and burgers should be glad that any identifiable meat was found in them at all.

From people I know who've worked in processing plants, it's the stuff that's vacuumed off the floor and put into a huge vat that's normally the "meat" content. So offal, eyeballs, bits that no one knows what they are - and probably a few morsels of human detritus in there as well.

Yum.

It's time for people to wake up and smell the reality of cheap food. You can't be eating meat every day of the week and expect it to be well produced unless you're loaded.

Cheap animal-based food is a disgrace to our society. We're supposed to be advanced yet we perpetuate the myth that meat twice a day every day is fine. It's not. It comes at a huge cost to animal welfare and ultimately human welfare. Wise up.

We talk about joined-up government yet we still feed people "food" that is not only lacking in nutritional value but is actually harmful and then wonder why we have huge bills for health care.

It's like hitting your own thumb with a hammer and complaining about the pain.

One simple rule applies here - if it's in the cheap range, or in a tiny tube or waving a Union fleg - avoid it like the plague.

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