Belfast Telegraph

I told you it would cost you...

By Nuala McKeever

It’s good to know not everyone's suffering financially in these belt-tightening times.

I read that some public bodies are employing “cost-cutting consultants” at a rate of £1,000 per day.

Yup. A grand a day to tell other people they're getting the chop. How hard can that be? A cool thou just to say “You're fired!” That works out at £500 per word. Almost as well paid as this column.

So perhaps if you're reading this in a state of under-employment it's not that the jobs aren't out there, it's just that we're not thinking laterally enough.

Every institution that's making money (banks, airports, credit card firms, etc) all know how to charge. So we ought to start charging too.

You wanna search my luggage before I fly? That'll be a pound. For security reasons. I want to discourage loitering around my valuables.

You want me to shop in your supermarket? Ok, that'll be £5 every time I set foot in your aisles. Yes I know that's a bit steep but this is NI so everything costs that little bit more, doesn't it?

You want us to bail you out? Fine, stick £1,000 in my current account every month and we'll see what we can do.

Funny how it only sounds ridiculous when it's this way round.

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