Belfast Telegraph

Let’s live a life of illusion like Kate

By Nuala McKeever

Kate Winslet's so inspiring. The other week she saved an old woman from a fire. This week she's saving millions of women from looking as large as they really are.



She's been sporting an “optical illusion” dress, which has clever black side panels that curve in to give the wearer the appearance of having an hourglass figure.

Obviously, as we've all known for years, never mind what's actually lurking under the lycra, as long as you APPEAR to be slimmer, that's what counts.

So this winter, with gas, oil, coal, wood and every other source of heat going up in price enormously and with the prediction of freezing temperatures, why not employ the KW technique in your home?

Don't actually burn coal, but rather place a photo of a hot fire in the grate and appear to warm yourself at it.

Don't turn on radiators — draw heat shimmer above them, to give the appearance of warmth.

And don't drive your car, simply turn it on once a day, wave to your neighbours and pretend you're going out.

We'll all probably freeze to death before Christmas, but don't worry, that'll avoid the expense of a real tree. P.S. Keep smiling. That way, if you DO pass away, you'll at least APPEAR to be happy, and appearances are everything. Just ask KW.

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