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Royally entertained by Wills and Kate’s wedding guests

By Nuala McKeever

And after the biggest wedding of the new century, the biggest post-mortem. Just as Boxing Day is often more fun than Christmas Day, so too the post-event rehashing is often the best bit of any huge occasion. What did you think of the dress? Did y’see yer man? What about that hat?! What was she thinking?! Etc etc

I’ve been locked away in a theatre non-stop for the past few weeks rehearsing my new play, Belongings, which is on this week, so I have missed most of what’s been happening in the real world. Easter holidays, bank holidays, Royal weddings — these things mean nothing when there’s a hundred pages of script to learn and get right.

But I did manage to catch the highlights of the wedding on Friday night. By then, exhausted with all the hard work, which I’m really not used to, I was ready just to flop on the bed and let others entertain me. And entertain me they did — royally.

Besides all the normal stuff — what did Harry say to William as he saw the bride approaching? — I was fascinated by some things that commentators seemed not to be interested in. Like, who the heck were those two nuns sitting right beside the happy couple? Every time the camera showed William and Kate on their seats, there they were — the tall skinny one and the short round one, practically on William’s knee.

I think I may know the answer. We heard a lot in advance about security threats. I reckon Stretch and Dumpy were Secret Service agents in disguise. At the first sign of any trouble, they’d have leapt in front of their Highnesses, pulled Glocks from under their frocks, wrestled the baddy to the floor and have him trussed up in Rosary beads and whisked away before you could say “amen”.

This theory is backed up, I think, by the fact that there were obviously other security personnel planted in the congregation. I mean, take Elton John. Obviously that wasn’t really Elton — no one could look that strange in real life! That was an agent wearing an Elton fat suit. Cos he wasn’t even singing the hymns. As David Furnish belted them out, ‘Elton’ mumbled awkwardly, out of time with everyone else. C’mon, we’re not that easily fooled.

Fergie’s daughters are another definite possibility for security plants. At least the one with the satellite receiver on her head, badly disguised as a stupid-looking hat thing is — even a Ferguson wouldn’t choose something that tasteless. No, she was definitely transmitting something. Or maybe the ‘hat’ was sending a live camera feed to her Ma, who wasn’t allowed to attend the wedding in case she embarrassed everyone by turning up in a fashion disaster and trying to squeeze a few grand out of one of the Arab guests in return for access to Andy. Victoria Beckham managed her usual stony face as she arrived, but showed off her stretch marks in one unguarded moment inside when she accidentally smiled. Scary Spice.

All in all it was a “rather good do” as the new wife said the next day, as she and the new hubby set off for some R’n’R — him in his big chopper, her in her £49.99 polyester dress from Zara. Whatever the future holds, at least they know they’ve got one heck of a wedding video to watch for years to come.

Belongings, Courtyard Theatre, Newtownabbey, this Thursday-Saturday. For tickets, call the box office on 028 9034 0202

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