Belfast Telegraph

Tuesday 23 September 2014

Why Big Brother house is my strange vision of Heaven

I wonder if the after-life is a bit like the Celebrity Big Brother house on the first night. Y'know the part where the housemates arrive one by one and as they enter, the others look at them with either recognition or total lack of same?

I just had a weird picture of all the people who've departed the Earth this year — the famous ones — arriving at their celestial new abode to be greeted by those who've gone before.

Like Steve Jobs turning up and Liz Taylor, reclining on a chaise longue, peering over her specs and asking, “Who's he?”, while Osama bin Laden leaps up and embraces Col Gadaffi warmly as he walks through the pearly double doors.

Strange bedfellows. I'd pay to see that. Arguments over the washing up and late night one-on-one confidences being shared by the more insecure members of the House Above, out in the smoking area. I reckon Amy Winehouse'd be a permanent fixture round the ashtray. I can picture her there, pouring out her heart to Betty Ford, queen of rehab.

Would they all get on or would there be lots of awkward silences broken only by the odd outburst from Christopher Hitchens about how he shouldn't even BE there!

All of life would be there, in death. Singers, sports stars like Seve Ballesteros and Jo Frazier. Actors, politicians and even the odd novelty housemate who eventually becomes everyone's favourite — like Mr Arch West, who died aged 97 and is, or was, famous for being the inventor of Doritos. I reckon we'd like him, but maybe only in small doses, a bit like his snacks.

Some mates might start to get on the others' wicks after a while. Peter Falk, aka Columbo, would probably wear your patience a bit thin if everytime you tried to get away from him, he'd follow you, even into the bathroom, saying, “Eh ... just one more thing.” “Enough already with the catchphrase, Pete!”

Of course, there'd have to be the odd glamour model in there — just to spice things up. Unfortunately, the most famous porn star to die this year was called Andrea True and she was 68 when she went, so maybe it'd be best to skip the topless-in-the-jacuzzi scenes, for everyone's sake.

I like to imagine that once they're up there, freed from the needs of the body, they might all get on well and spend their time on positive pursuits. Maybe the camaraderie of being in this select band, would be enough to overcome their earthly differences and they'd enjoy sharing their common (ex)humanity rather than fighting over the things that kept them apart down here.

Mind you, I've seen enough BB to realise that this might be too much to expect, even in Heaven.

And what would the presenter look like, eh? Will the supreme being be a sort of Divine Davina? Hard to imagine he or she would need to do ads for hair colouring mind you. Just hope he or she has a less irritating way of whipping up false hysteria at every turn. Couldn't stand that for all eternity.

Sorry just realised I've been on a total flight of fancy here. Back in the real world the real celebrity BB is starting again soon. Why?

I just know it'll never be a patch on what's going on up there. Well, in MY head, anyway. Happy New Year!

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