I was walkin' down the road the other day, mindin' m'own business, when next thing, this big piece of Islamic doctrine leapt out and attacked me! It grabbed my arms from behind, forced me to the ground and made me promise to live a totally alien lifestyle, right here, in this wee province!
Well, I was affronted, as you'd imagine.
I sez, "No way! No way am I giving in to your outrageous doctrinal demands! Peace? Love? Understanding? You'll not catch any self-respecting Wee Provincer giving up their Christian values to take on any of that Satanic evil! Away back to where you came from!" I shouted. I couldn't be more specific, cos I wasn't sure where it came from exactly and I didn't want to make a dork of myself by telling it to go back to Britain, like yer man on the Nolan show last week. (Still scundered for him ...)
Well, I gathered myself, adjusted my breeches, girded my loins, set my cap straight, dusted down my sense of History, Heritage and Entitlement, and carried on, making my way to the shaps.
When I got to the purveyor of provincial goods on the corner (Brie cheese, Parma ham, Greek olives, ciabatta bread and Australian wine) I thanked my lucky stars that I live in a place where we understand the meaning of keeping Ulster safe from sodomites, foreigners, queers, people with strange accents (Ballymena excepted), Chinese (unless they're serving us hot food late at night) and sundry other not-like-us types. Basically, anyone who is a snob. And by snob, you understand of course, I refer to anyone who cares about others, respects other people's right to a quiet life, anyone who doesn't feel the need or the entitlement to bray their ignorant opinions to everyone else at the drop of a flag, anyone who looks after their children, their pets, their neighbours, anyone who's interested in other cultures, anyone who reads books, anyone who visits a theatre, anyone who uses words of more than half a syllable, anyone who watches the BBC news instead of UTV, anyone who doesn't wear 'leisure' clothing all the time, anyone who is in a political party other than the DUP or TUV or even the UUP, anyone who wasn't born here with a chip on their shoulder and a foot in their mouth, anyone who appreciates music that isn't simply being played to antagonise other people they don't even know, anyone who thinks the earth is older than six thousand years, anyone who believes in Evolution, anyone who thinks health is partly the responsibility of the self, anyone who thinks responsibility is something they have to take as opposed to it being something everyone else has to take, anyone who speaks Irish, anyone who speaks English with correct grammar, anyone who points out the things Belfast Councillor Jolene Bunting put on her Facebook page, anyone who thinks Peter Robinson is an unfit leader, anyone in short, who thinks.
So, having thanked my lucky stars for all those blessings, I proceeded to the check out, humming that old Belfast skipping song from childhood, "My Aunt Peter, he called me in, he gave me bitter orange out of his wee tin, half an apology with no sugar on the top and four black lumps out of his wee party". (Sorry, elected representatives with a clear mandate from the people).
I then took the gun I'd purchased and shot myself dead. Well, I'm not a white, Christian, homophobic Ulster male and let's face it, they're the only ones who're entitled to live here.
... but fear not, this will pass
One friend of mine suggests that maybe the recent events here are getting things out in the open and exposing the real nature of our society in a more honest way.
The gloves are off. Naked sectarianism, racism, sexism, homophobia and misogyny are being displayed with no apology (apart from Peter’s non-apology apology and Jolene Bunting’s non-apology apology). Seemingly, it’s okay to be uncaring. It’s hip to be horrible.
Vile is the new black and trust, love and respect are just so last year. Well actually, no, they’re not. Hitler got his in the end. Don’t despair. This too will pass.
Danger lurks in quiet places too
Beware those who have the money, power, influence, education and ability to articulate and don’t use it for good.
The middle-class individuals who go to church on a Sunday and vote Ukip on a Thursday. Who profess to follow Christ and behave in such anti-Christ ways when it comes to the poor, the sick, the dark-skinned, the other-religion-followers.
Beware those who don’t shout abuse on TV or at the City Hall, but who remain unchallenged in the comfortable board rooms and bar rooms of privilege as they spread fear and hatred and cite the Daily Mail as if it were the Bible.