Belfast Telegraph

Friday 31 October 2014

Slow-down as Shinners set the work pace

All hail Sinn Fein and their new tactic — the Shinner Slow-down. It is the most wondrous thing ever invented — it lets you get paid for doing a job that you don't do. Stop Fein ministers are not letting the Executive meet because they don't like the speed at which policing is being devolved (to the unionist Alliance Party if Stop Fein had their way).

Further, having spent a lifetime breaking laws, republicans are not happy over the lack of Irish-language legislation. It is a case of No Tiocfaidh ár Law.

Brilliant. On that basis, can I suggest to any hard-working bus or train driver that now is the time to take part in a Shinner Slow-down.

All you have to do is tell your boss that you are not happy with the speed at which he is fulfilling his duties. Further, you have asked him, on numerous occasions, for a comfy cushion for your seat but no cushion has arrived, thus aggravating your piles.

Management have asked you what colour you would like and you have told them. You have talked about cushions until you are blue in the face: cushions of goose feathers; cushions covered in warm wool; cushions with an Ipod. But they have not got back to you. Don't take it lying down — or sitting down. You know what I mean. Dance the Shinner Slow-down. Refuse to attend meetings that you are supposed to attend and take your money as usual. They can't do you for industrial action because you are still working — at Shinner slow-down pace. Should they give you any grief, just reply: “If it’s all right for ministers in the Executive, it is all right for a Citybus driver.”

Nurses too get in on the act. Have you always wanted a more comfortable pair of shoes but found that management won't get them for you? Dance the Shinner Slow-down and walk really, really, really, really, slowly about the wards. If anyone asks, tell them that you are working as hard as you always do. You are not the problem rather it is your colleagues who are working at their usual pace.

Naturally, I like to practise what I preach. To that end, I have informed the Features Editor that I have difficulties with her over the P&J issue — that is pastries and juice. Unless I get a better supply of Diamonds and Tropicana, I will be writing my column really, really slowly. In fact, this column has already taken me twice as long as usual. How do you like that, Madame Features Editor?

Dance, my friends, free yourselves from the shackles of normal work and rules. Dance the Shinner Slow-down.

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