... and Nigella must live in the loo
Where do you stand on water? Are you one of those trendy types that can't walk 10 yards without taking a bottle with you?
If so, you want booting up the butt, because top health babblemouths are now saying it's daft to drink eight glasses a day, and dangerous to drink more than that.
Top telly temptress Nigella Lawson, formerly the Chancellor of the Exchequer before she became a telly chef, has come in for particular criticism after revealing she was an 'aquaholic' who drank three litres of water before going to sleep - and, presumably, getting up half-an-hour later to rinse the porcelain.
However, family doctor Peter Wheeler has warned her that she's endangering her health. Dr Wheeler has already saved the life of actor Anthony Andrews who drank so much water before going on stage that he became delirious.
This followed an incident in which, instead of saying "Is this a dagger I see before me?", he announced: "I'm dying for a slash."
In a newspaper this week, a PR executive came forward to confess she drinks up to six litres a day and, during working hours, has to perform ablutions 16 times. What are they paying her for?
Oh yeah, PR. She's probably more use to society in the bog.