Top experts – usually the best kind – are encouraging tweeters who use Twitter to be more happy and interesting.
Hmm, challenging. The boffins from Georgia Tech, Atlantashire, USA, say happy tweeters attract more followers, while folk who bang on about themselves and their problems get passed over by the rampaging cyber-mob.
Passing on news and other factual information also gets you brownie points. And it's a good idea to hitch yourself to celebrities in the hope of getting retweeted.
Brace yourself for this incoming stat: Lady Gaga has 38 million followers. If I could afford a chair, I'd fall off it.
By golly, Gaga's more popular than the Prime Minister. And, unlike him, as far as we know, she wears frocks made of meat.
Imagine getting retweeted – having your message passed on to the world – by Gaga. Surely, you'd want nothing more from life. Might as well just sit in the garden with a hankie on your head and see out your remaining days.
All tweeters talk about themselves to some extent – well, 41% of the time, according to the Georgia tweetologists.
But wittering on Twitter about death is a real killer. And if you're unemployed or ill, don't bother the lieges about it. All they want is to be retweeted by the Gagster.