Belfast Telegraph

Monday 20 October 2014

Bet Van didn't think he would be so lucky

Kylie Minogue

The world reeled back in shock on hearing that Jean-Claude Van Damme had slept - in the non-sleeping sense - with Kylie Minogue.

That's right. Our Kylie. The People's Kylie.

Yon wee slip of a thing with that big brute.

To be fair to the latter, I haven't seen any of his films, but understand they tend to be pugnacious.

For some reason, he often wears a beret, which is never a good sign.

In an interview with London local paper, The Guardian, Van Damme confessed to committing the transgression in 1994, a lax year for morals.

Matters were made worse with the revelation that the episode occurred in Thailand, a country avoided by God-fearing folk.

Van Damme expanded lecherously: "I knew Thailand very well, so I showed her my Thailand."

Well, that's certainly a new word for it. Perhaps if he'd kept his Thailand in his trousers, there wouldn't be a furore.

That said, I believe Van Damme was footloose and fancy-free at the time, and so perfectly within his rights to hobnob with persons of the opposite gender.

In a sense, albeit meaningless, he's Van Dammed if he did and Van Dammed if he didn't.

But, damn it: Kylie! No wonder she's been wandering around ever since with one eyebrow permanently raised.

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