Belfast Telegraph

Cliff isn't playing by the rules of getting old

By Robert McNeill

New pictures show crazed pop singer Sir Cliff Richard playing basketball at 70 and looking 21. It's positively disturbing.

If he's learned the secret of longevity, he should tell the rest of us. He makes out it's just one of those things, but picture the scene at his place around midnight.

Lightning crackles overhead as he slips into his garden shed, attaches electrodes to his bonce, eats three prunes and goes into a trance. Frankly, if it involves eating prunes, it's not worth it.

I don't read everything about Sir Cliff, but ask the Bel Tel's janitor to keep an eye out for news items and let me know of developments.

I was unaware, however, that His Cliffness had succumbed to botox injections in the past. I thought the whole point was that he was a freak of nature.

To be fair, he says he gave up the injections after his eyebrows began to sag. Eyebrows? Least of your worries, mate.

Other than that, he refrains from women, eats curries and plays tennis. The first two are unremarkable and recommended by the World Health Organisation. But tennis? Has the man no dignity?

I watched some pensioners playing tennis recently and the standard was pathetic. However, as I told the police, I now regret shouting abuse.

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