Belfast Telegraph

Sunday 31 August 2014

Finns are looking up for Nordics

Finnish news, and it has been revealed that ordinary supermarkets in the mysterious, largely unvisited country will soon start to stock sex toys. Even for the Nordic countries, this would seem a step too far.





The rude goods are being supplied by what is described here as a “Swedish marketer and organisation for sexual enlightenment”. How sinister does that sound?

A spokesman for the shadowy organisation said that, of all the Nordic peoples, those most likely to buy and experiment with sex toys were the Finns, which is surely tantamount to national defamation. The unpleasantly liberated spokesman added: “Supermarkets already serve people’s needs in health and well-being.

“Therefore, it is appropriate to bring products that promote sexual well-being into the selection.”

Now, like a minority of honest people, I love supermarkets. The melancholy muzak, the seemingly endless aisles, the special offers: sometimes, I think I've died and gone to heaven. But this could rapidly become hell, if our eyes are to be presented with rude gizmos.

A question arises: who is going to buy them? What d'you mean, you are? I don't see even one of these helping you, not with these knees. But who is going to be so unselfconcious as to browse in this section? And how embarrassing is it going to be at the checkout?

You'd have to hide your purchase under a loaf of bread or among the bananas. The whole thing is preposterous, and I personally will be boycotting all Finnish goods until these idiotic Scandinavians see sense.

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