Belfast Telegraph

Wednesday 23 July 2014

Heard the one about rising cost of Viagra bill?

I expect most of you are on Viagra. I don’t know why the authorities just don’t bung it in the water supply and be done with it. It seems to have many ancillary benefits, from increasing hair growth to enhancing mathematical ability.

At least that’s what it says in all these email messages that go straight to my spam box (damned nuisance, as I have to keep fishing them out to read them).

Personally, I’m not really yer man for popping pills. If ever I had any problems vis-a-vis levitation, as it were, I’d look for a natural solution and shovel vats of spinach down my throat or whatever non-chemical remedy was required.

Still, evidence suggests that elderly lieges are swallowing Viagra like Smarties. They don’t eat the blue ones.

But down in yonder Republic, a Green one has caused a furore by calling for OAPs to give it a rest.

Green Party councillor Brian Meany doesn’t meany they should abstain altogether from indulging in Fifty Shades of Grey Hair, or whatever the elderly do with their Stannah stairlifts for the private parts.

He says they should stop getting four nookular tablets a month from the Health Service Executive.

He wants their dose halved to save the taxpayer money and says, perhaps quite reasonably, that if randy wrinklies want more than that they should buy them privately.

However, you don’t want to buy anything privately if you can help it, as the capitalists are always trying to poison us.

Apparently, doctors have been giving out Viagra willy-nilly, as it were, to stop old men being poisoned by fake Viagra found, as it were again, in their spam box.

In Englandshire, meanwhile, frenzied reports threw the country’s famously anal taxpayers into a tizzy with suggestions that the NHS bill for Viagra had trebled in a decade to £30m.

It appeared worse in the North of “Britain”, as it was described, presumably meaning Liverpool and Newcastle. The North West of England shovelled down £12.6m worth of pills and the North East £5.1 m.

To scare people off, stories have been circulated claiming that, far from enhancing your mathematical ability or follicular afforestation, the priapic pill can have deleterious side-effects.

These include heart attacks, stroke and irregular heartbeat. Some patients report skin rashes and one allegedly said his hair fell out, leaving him ashamed to participate in normal society.

Worse still, there are well attested accounts of the drug working too well, leading to prolonged periods of standing to attention. Experts fear that, if this trend continues, the NHS will be facing a further pill for providing Viagrans with peculiarly baggy trousers.

What can be done about all this pill-popping hedonism? I suggest that the elderly take up camping or water-sports, something wholesome to divert their attention.

But the elderly, like the young, are a notoriously idle lot and, once they wedge themselves into a chair, it can be right hard to remove them.

If the above reports are correct, the only thing that can budge them is the possibility of scoffing some Viagra.

Like everything else, it’s a disgrace. But what can you do? Decline of the churches has left us in a moral vacuum, with only newspaper columnists left to chastise and hector.

And, speaking personally, I wouldn’t heed a word they say.

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